MY BISEXUALITY

Certain youthful thoughts will forever be engraved in my mind. I remember the day I got glasses because I tripped stepping off the curb; I was wearing shorts and pink clogs. I remember my first boy crush; we couldn’t have been older than 5 years old. We used to sleep next to each other, on our individual cots, during nap time. I remember one day when we were stretch partners; we put our feet together, held hands, and rocked back and forth. I remember this distinctly because both he and I rocked way too close to each other’s genitals, and after that, we were never stretch partners again.

Another thing I remember was my first girl crush. We went to the same school, lived in the same building, and lived on the same floor. She would always come over my house so we could play after school and on the weekends. I remember us seeing a (heterosexual) couple kiss on TV, and we wanted to try it. One day, when she was over, we hid by the kitchen table, and we kissed. After our lips made contact, we opened our mouths to allow our tongues to dance. When the kiss was done, we never mentioned it again. At eight years old, I didn’t quite have the language, but I knew I really enjoyed the kiss.  

The kiss we shared felt just as passionate as the flirtation I shared with the boy, from when I was five. So, at a very early age, I knew I felt a like for boys and girls, I just didn’t call it bisexual. As I got older, my attraction to women never waned, I just suppressed it for my like of boys. When you grow up in Catholic school, have a Baptist grandmother, and a heterosexual family, you don’t question anything, you just go with the flow. So, for years, I said nothing. I occasionally watched lesbian porn, on late-night TV, but didn’t read into it having to do with my sexuality.  

At the age of fourteen, I joined a youth chorus. There must have been a fine-print that I missed because almost every member was either gay or bisexual. I instantly felt at home. I finally felt free to explore that side of my sexuality without being judged. I flirted with my female and male peers; I even had a girlfriend for about a week. But, when she asked me for money, I broke it off. When my sister-in-law got wind of my questioning sexuality, she assumed they were trying to ‘turn me out.’ There was an exchange of words between her and another girl. And, just like that, I was back in something resembling a closet.    

I flirted with women on and off, but nothing ever manifested. When I was diagnosed with herpes, I put the entire idea to rest. I wasn’t allowed to be a questioning bisexual; so, I had to pick a side and stick with it. For almost a decade, I lived my life as a heterosexual woman, and most of the time, I was content. But, from time to time, I wondered what it would be like to flirt and be intimate with a woman; but fear of rejection kept me quiet.   

Then one day, when I was on PositiveSingles.com, a couple came across my feed. We chatted, met up for drinks, and a few weeks later, I had my first threesome and sexual encounter with a woman. I loved every second of it. Sadly, my time with them was short-lived, as they broke up soon after. I wanted the experience again, but it proved way too difficult to find women with a mutual attraction that wanted to meet. It also became evident that lesbians did not like women that were bisexual. And too often, the women that claimed to be bisexual preferred a consistent male presence, instead of a female one. I wanted to explore being with women only at that time.  

I wasn’t sure where I stood, so I decided the only way to know if I really enjoyed being intimate with women, without investing too much time, was to go to a sex-club. At my first sex club, and most after, I engaged with women. I enjoyed the feeling, but I still questioned myself. When I appeared on the Whoreible Decisions podcast, I defined my sexuality as bi-flexible. Since I never saw myself in a romantic relationship with a woman, it seemed unfair or a lie if I said I was bisexual. Fast forward a year later and countless sexual trysts with women at sex parties, I’m turning a new leaf. As my desire to engage with women at sex parties is beginning to disappear, my passion for real intimacy with a woman is increasing.   

When I’m walking down the street, and a beautiful woman walks past me, I don’t think to myself, damn, I want to eat her pussy (like a man would). I think I want to get to know her, and I wonder if she wants to get to know me, then we’ll see what happens. Despite being totally satisfied in my primary relationship, I want to explore a female connection on an intimate level.   

Every so often, I wonder how it would feel to walk, holding hands with my female love interest. I wonder how we would meet and what our first date would be. I wonder if she would be ok knowing that I’m polyamorous and a swinger. Would we intermingle our lives, or would we keep things separate? And I wonder if our sexual chemistry could transform into love? These are just some of the things that float through my mind when I think about my bisexuality. 

DAMN SEX INJURIES

I love sex. Something I love more than sex is masturbating. I love the time when I can connect with my body and bring myself pleasure. Even if I find myself in a loving relationship with a partner that dicks me down every single night, the honest truth is that, before I go to sleep, I need to orgasm on my own. Sometimes, I would masturbate in the morning; other times, I would masturbate when I got home after work, but the most convenient time for me to masturbate would be in my bed at night.   

For a good couple of years, masturbation was my nightly sleeping pill. After my shower, I would lay down in my bed, grab my phone, and google whatever porn interested me (mostly Gangbang). I would power up my vibrator and ride the wave to reach my orgasm. With heavy panting, leg spasms, and an increased heartbeat, I would silently climax then pass out. That was my nightly routine for years. Then, one day I heard about the Womanizer. I heard about the sucking-pulse mechanism, and that it would deliver an orgasm I’d never experience before, and I simply had to have it. During a visit to Babeland, I finally made my purchase. When I got home, I charged it up; and after my shower, I laid down and placed the opening on my clit. The orgasm I had was more powerful than anything I could have imagined. The power of the Womanizer was so good that I didn’t even need to use porn.  

Over the next few months, I enjoyed many orgasms with my Womanizer. Then, one night, I went for a second round. My clit was already highly sensitive, but I was determined to push my boundaries. Gingerly, I placed the opening back onto my clitoris, I started it on a low setting, then increased it slowly. My breasts rose and fell rapidly to match my breathing, a tingling started at my toes and generated throughout my body; when I finally reached my second orgasm of the night, with a stifled moan, I squirted all over my sheets. I took a moment to regain my composure, got a blow dryer, dried my sheets, and then went back to sleep.   

As much as I loved the comfort of my bed, having to dry my sheets every night became a mood killer. Luckily, the Womanizer was waterproof, so the next night, I took her into the shower. With my back against the wall, the hot water rolling over my breasts, and my left foot propped up on the edge of the tub, I allowed the sucking sensations of my Womanizer to deliver me an orgasm, then another accompanied with a vicious squirt. In my bed, I never wanted to make a mess; however, in the shower, I was able to let it all go. A nightly shower orgasm had become my routine. Multiple times, I came so hard that my stomach cramped. I was masturbating so much, I worried that my clit would fall off, but there was an injury brewing that took me by total surprise.   

I purchased my Womanizer around June, I started masturbating in the shower in September. At the beginning of October, I noticed a shooting pain in my foot when I would wake up in the morning and after long walks. Every morning, I tried to alleviate the tension on my foot by rolling it on a stress-ball and performing a round of foot exercises; but none of them worked. Because I’m a runner, pain is nothing new for me. From random back pains, butt pains, and foot pains, I’ve encountered them all, but eventually, they all subside. However, this new pain, that was isolated in my left foot, that had no apparent reason for being caught me totally off guard. Then, one night, while I was putting lotion on my leg, I had my left foot resting on my desk chair; when I slightly arched my foot, the pain was instantaneous. Like a lightbulb, it became clear to me where my pain was coming from. I remembered that every time I orgasmed in the shower, I would crouch down during my orgasm, putting irregular stress on my arch. I was finally at ease to know where my pain was coming from, but I worried about my future orgasm routine. What would be the best angle to keep my shower orgasm routine going?   

The next night, I went into the shower and tried a new position. Instead of propping my foot up, I turned towards the wall, allowing the water to cascade on my back. I slightly parted my legs, positioned my clit into the opening, and started the Womanizer. At first, it was a weird angle, then I played a fantasy in my mind. I thought back to my first time at a sex-club (Caligula). And I remembered the big shower they had on the upper level. I imagined myself with the shower on, naked, and masturbating while all the other patrons looked on. Being the sexual center of attraction, on full display for all to see and not touch, aroused me to another level. The fantasy drove me to an orgasm that poured out from my body. I finished my shower then went to sleep. 

Every few nights, I rotate positions, from standing to squatting, to sitting on the edge of the tub, to occasionally kneeling. Thankfully, each and every position still delivers me the same fantastic orgasm I had become accustomed to, minus the pain in my foot. 

SOCIAL DISTANCING FAIL (The COVID Chronicles Part 1)

It was official; states across America were locking down to avoid the global pandemic of COVID-19 (the Corona Virus) from devastating their towns. Luckily, my boss had sent us home early on Tuesday. Like everyone else, I, too, was glued to the news on Wednesday and Thursday. On Friday morning, with the news confirming that this virus was a long way from being over, I remembered I had masks and Lysol at my office. (I had a co-worker that was always sick. One day I got fed up with her germs, so I went onto Amazon.com; I purchased 100 masks, three cans of Lysol, and a big jar of hand sanitizer. She wasn’t sick for the next month. Then COVID 19 came through with a vengeance. I threw on some leggings, a hoodie, my mask, gloves, and headed to the train. I decided to take the Q train because I knew it would be the quickest and possibly the emptiest train— I just had no idea how empty.   

I made it onto the train just before the car doors closed. Unfortunately, I bumped into a guy that was standing in the doorway; he was tall with a lean body. I apologized a few times, and he replied, with a sexy voice, “No problem, beautiful.” Was he flirting during a pandemic? I could feel his eyes tracing the curves of my legs, but I figured he wouldn’t approach me. We locked eyes, and when I saw the shape of his mask wrinkle, I knew I wasn’t alone in my attraction. After 86^th Street, the train came to a slow stop, and the announcer said, “This train is being held due to a sick passenger on the train ahead. Sorry for the inconvenience.” Knowing it was going to be a longer ride than expected, I decided to sit. I turned on my R&B 90s playlist and closed my eyes.  

A tap awakened me; I opened my eyes to see the guy standing over me. 

“I just had to tell you, your body looks amazing in those leggings.” 

“Thank you,” I replied. 

“Your scent is very intoxicating, as well.” 

I couldn’t see myself, but I was sure my cheeks were turning red. “Is that so?” I flirted back. 

“Yes. Coming across a woman with such an intoxicating scent is a turn-on. Can you see what it’s doing to me?”  

I was so busy staring into his deep dark eyes, and being aroused by his full lips, that I didn’t realize his pants were getting tighter.  

“Do you smell like that everywhere?” He asked.  

Thinking what my answer would be, I could feel my body heat beginning to rise. 

“I’ve never had any complaints,” I replied. He smiled in response. 

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to find out.” 

He extended his gloved hand to me and raised me from my seat. Towering over me, he bent over and inhaled at my neck; his facial hair tickled me in the process. His body moved closer to mine, and I could feel his dick pressing against my stomach. He inhaled down the length of my body. When he arrived at my pussy, he used his left hand to caress my ass; then he bent my leg to lift it onto the seat. He lowered down and buried his nose deep into my crotch. I wasn’t sure what had come over me. Maybe it was the pandemic or the fact that I was horny and finally about to live out a fantasy. All I knew was if the world was coming to an end, I might as well enjoy the ride. When he came up, the smile on his face was pure sex.  

He asked, ”May I?” then I slid down my pants.  

He hoisted me up onto his shoulders and, for dear life, I held on to the overhead bar. With my leggings pulled down to my knees, he slipped his head in between my pants and began to devour my pussy. All my push-ups had come in handy because a month ago I could barely do a pull-up. Although it was a struggle, I was able to hold myself up as he licked and sucked my clit to a trembling orgasm. When he lowered me back to the floor, I saw that his dick was rock hard. I pushed him against the car door. I removed my gloves and grabbed his dick from his pants. His dick was nothing short of fantastic. I squatted down, licked my lips, and moved in for the kill. I inched my way down the length of his dick and cupped his balls in my hand. He placed his hand behind my head and pushed my mouth farther down the length of his dick, and with every motion, my pussy grew wetter. Between the sounds of my slurping he yelled, “Fuck” and “Shit”. Inside I knew, I was probably giving him some of the best head he had in his life. 

“God! I wish I could bend you over and fuck you right now!” He said 

I pulled his dick from my mouth, “I thought you’d never ask.” 

He removed his gloves, pulled me up, then groped my ass as he bit at my neck. He bent down to lick at my wet pussy; then he bent me over. I could see our reflections in the window as he slid his dick into me. The welcomed pressure of his dick entering my pussy forced me to close my eyes and savor the moment. I lowered my head like a rag-doll as he took control of my body; with every thrust, my head jerked up and down. He whispered for me to put my mask on, which I did, then he told me to look up. I looked into the glass and his eyes. As his thrusts started to slow down and get deeper, my moans got longer. He would completely exit my pussy to admire the gaping hole he left, then ram it back in, to make me scream in ecstasy. The train had started to move, and he began to pick up his pace. He reached one hand around my neck, and the other gripped my hoodie, and he proceeded to pound into me. In the race for him to have his orgasm, I had become his sexual rag doll. He thrust into me over and over; then I heard him scream, “I’m gonna cum!” With a few more thrusts, he walked back and emptied his dick on the floor. I looked at the reflection of a total stranger in the window and said to myself —What the Fuck! I could tell he was thinking the same. 

I pulled up my pants and eased my body into a seated position. He put his dick back into his pants and sat back down to catch his breath. With the train entering the 72^nd street station, we stared each other down. Before the doors opened, all he could get out was, “Damn! You got some good pussy!” I smiled and said, “So I’ve been told.” He chuckled. When the doors opened, he got up and exited the train, keeping his eyes on me as he left. When the doors closed and the train pulled out of the station, I put my headphones back in and closed my eyes. 

I jolted awake when I heard the announcement and felt the wind from the open door at 42^nd street. I jumped up and ran off the train just as the doors closed behind me. Walking up the stairs, my body felt weak and my pussy was moist. I asked myself, “Did I just fuck a total stranger on the train, or did I dream it?” 

MY MOM FOUND MY PORN-OH NO!

I must’ve been between the ages of 8 and 10 when my mother first caught me masturbating. When she walked in on me rubbing one out, with my wash cloth, the look on her face was pure shame. I remember rushing my clothes back on, apologizing over and over on how I would never again do it, and how I would wait until I was married to have sex. Fast forward to today, I’m 33 years old, I’ve had more sexual encounters than I can count, and I currently have 3 sexually-romantic partners. I guess you can say, I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain.  

My mother found out, from reading my journal, that I was having sex. To say it kindly, she wasn’t pleased; but there was nothing that she could do. Sex was never something I voluntarily abstained from for too long. I was very aware that my mom wished that I would slow down, but I simply really-really liked having sex and I wanted it as often as I could get it. I loved the feeling and I liked knowing that I had the power to control my sexual destiny; and with time, I grew very confident with my sexuality. Unfortunately, I knew my mother wouldn’t see it the same way. Growing up in a patriarchal, society that shames women and our sexual bodies; I knew (long before I had the language) that I had to keep my sexual exploits from my mom and the rest of my family. I got very-very good at the art of omission and lying about where I was going and what I was doing.  

Over time, as I got older, my mom began to see the real-reality. Her daughter, despite having 0 kids, still to this day; was no good-girl. Her daughter liked sex, a lot. And, her daughter wasn’t always the most careful. And one time, her daughter made a porno. 

Now, for the record; it was amateur at best, so it was more of a sex tape. But she was not happy when she found it.  

As a graduation present, my dad got me a new Apple Desktop computer. Around the same time, I worked at a well-known restaurant in Harlem and I was heavily flirting with one of the servers. He was cute to me, and he had what I could only describe as ‘Swag’; but what I later came to define as BDE (Big Dick Energy). The way he walked with such confidence showed me that he would fuck the shit out of me, if given the chance. We flirted for a few weeks at the job and via text; but I still played hard to get. Then, one day he sent me a picture of his dick with the message “Come get this Cali dick”. My pussy got soaking wet and I knew I had to jump on it.  

I don’t recall the timeline; but I remember inviting him over to my house when I knew my parents were away. Up in my room, I sucked on his large dick until my heart was content. Then, some-how, we ended up naked. The kisses were decent but I knew what I wanted. I was feeling daring so I decided to turn on my computer to record us fucking. Every thrust felt fantastic and since I was much smaller than I am now; my body looked extra sexy. When it was all done, he got dressed and left. I stored the video in a blocked folder on my desktop, powered it down, and things went back to normal. 

Weeks had passed and we even had a party at my house where all of my friends and family came over to celebrate. That night, most of my friends crashed on the couch in the living room. When they all left in the morning, he remained. With my mom and dad, upstairs asleep, he bent me over and fucked me on the living room floor. After our quickie, he left; it couldn’t have been more perfect timing, because my dad came downstairs shortly after.  

The video had all but slipped out of my mind for at least a month. Then I got an enraged call from my mother saying; “OH! So, you’re a porn star now?” Not only had she found the video, but that my dad just so happened to be in my bedroom when she found it. Sure, I was embarrassed; but I was, to say the least, dumbfounded. 

Keep in mind that this is 2011 and my mother was (and still is) as tech savvy, as a snail is fast. Not to mention, this was a Mac, and before then, our house was all PC. So, the fact that she still had major difficulties getting online; but was able to find the video, in the first place; I had to chuck it up to fate. Some sex gods wanted her to find that video.  

Giving her time to cool off, I took my time going home when I got off of work. I couldn’t pull a Shaggy (It wasn’t me), so I had to own up to it. She had known for the better part of a decade that I was sexually active, so the sex wasn’t the issue. What she was pissed about; was that I used the Brand New computer to record myself fucking AND that my dad saw it.  

In the end, she couldn’t really punish me in response to everything; I was 23/24 years old; I had a job and the computer was, obviously, non-refundable. So, after a few weeks of evil stares casted at me; eventually she got over it. But I know in the back of her mind that sometimes she’s still pissed that I made a porno. 

TABOOTY – PART 3

By now, at the tender age of 33, anal play had become quite a staple in my world of sex. The first time I had a finger in my ass I was still in high school. My boyfriend and I were making out under the stairs in his house and our bodies were pinned against each other. I was in jeans and he slid his hands inside my pants. As his middle finger began to tease my booty-hole, I got extremely wet. When he finally stuck his finger in my ass I was totally under his control. With every flick of his finger I writhed with pleasure; until his grandmother came downstairs and we ran back to the couch. It would be years before I dabbled into full-on anal sex; but ever since that day, I loved fingers in my ass. 

The first time I tried anal sex, it was an ill attempt to maintain my “virginity”. He tried to stick it in my ass, but the pressure was too much, so Pop! Went my cherry! The first time I actually had anal sex was with my Dominican Bae. We were in his room and I was completely naked on his couch. He took his time to play with and lick at my pussy, to get me ready. When he finally went to enter my ass (being quite endowed); he took his time. He waited for my body to adjust to his length and girth; he waited for me to give him permission to keep going, and finally, only once my body was ready, he slowly thrusted in and out. As he fucked my ass so tenderly, I rubbed at my clit until I reached my orgasm. That was the pleasurable first experience of anal sex I was glad I had. However, the few that followed were not so good. 

I have a love-hate relationship with porn. I love watching porn for the sake of enjoyment. But I hate the fact that society has become so jaded on what sex looks like and/or is, because porn is such a fucking lie. No female squirts across a room. Not every woman wants to be abused and/or man-handled. And for crying out loud, my ass (and the average woman’s ass) is not a vagina. A vagina is a self-lubricating orifice that can stretch to accommodate penetration and child birth. No ass-hole self-lubricates and the average human’s poop is no bigger than 1” diameter (It’s been proven- I think!). The muscles that keep my shit from free-flowing, will always resist an attack; so, if desiring entry, one must take it slow.  

I tried anal sex twice; both in the missionary position, which is supposed to be easier, and it was painful almost the entire time. Only having one experience to go off of and the exaggerated porn, I allowed my partners to find their pleasure, and disregarded my discomfort. It would take years before I would agree to anal sex ever again.  

By now, I was well versed in anal play. I loved and yearned for fingers, tongue and on occasion, the filling sensation of a butt-plug; but I was still hesitant to allow my partners to enter my ass. I had set up a rule for myself.  The next partner to enter my ass had to be able to demonstrate an extreme amount of restraint. Men would enter with patience, but one inside they would go ham; and I was not having my ass abused like that.  

The weekend I finally revisited anal-sex, I just so happened to be on my period. My partner had previously mentioned that he “didn’t run red lights” so, I was prepared for a weekend of cuddles and delivering him oral. Eventually that position was tossed out the window when I got out the shower with my diva cup in and started to give him oral. As I sucked at his dick, he positioned my vagina to rest on his chin and he licked at my clit. It got to the point where he wanted to have sex and he suggested anal. With a very stern voice, I made it abundantly clear that he had to take his time and if he hurt me, I would punch him.  

I bent over on my bed and he positioned himself behind me. He lubed up my ass and slid in his fingers, one then two. After playing for a bit he got a condom and applied lube to his penis and slowly entered me. With my womanizer vibrator on my clit; coupled with the sensation of him entering my ass, it felt amazing. Once he was fully inside of me, I turned up the setting and I gave him permission to “fuck my ass”. As his thrusts grew more powerful the sensation on my clit intensified. What started as moans, grew to screams, and peaked at a howl as I had my orgasm. With my clit numb and the orgasmic bliss radiating all over my body, I fell into the mattress as he continued thrusting until he had his orgasm; then he collapsed on top of me.  

It took a few days for my poops to feel normal again (I wonder if that’s a thing after anal sex? I still haven’t gotten an answer from Reddit). It was quite possibly the best sexual experience I had in years. For the days following, I found myself stopping and reminiscing. I was happy I found a way to enjoy anal sex again, and I was even more happy with my partner. Originally, I had promised my ass to another partner, but since time kept us apart; I’m glad my experience was with someone I now love.  

In the future, anal sex will become the seasonal item on the menu. I have no desire to have anal sex everyday but, I’m delighted to know that it’s there.