MY BISEXUALITY

Certain youthful thoughts will forever be engraved in my mind. I remember the day I got glasses because I tripped stepping off the curb; I was wearing shorts and pink clogs. I remember my first boy crush; we couldn’t have been older than 5 years old. We used to sleep next to each other, on our individual cots, during nap time. I remember one day when we were stretch partners; we put our feet together, held hands, and rocked back and forth. I remember this distinctly because both he and I rocked way too close to each other’s genitals, and after that, we were never stretch partners again.

Another thing I remember was my first girl crush. We went to the same school, lived in the same building, and lived on the same floor. She would always come over my house so we could play after school and on the weekends. I remember us seeing a (heterosexual) couple kiss on TV, and we wanted to try it. One day, when she was over, we hid by the kitchen table, and we kissed. After our lips made contact, we opened our mouths to allow our tongues to dance. When the kiss was done, we never mentioned it again. At eight years old, I didn’t quite have the language, but I knew I really enjoyed the kiss.  

The kiss we shared felt just as passionate as the flirtation I shared with the boy, from when I was five. So, at a very early age, I knew I felt a like for boys and girls, I just didn’t call it bisexual. As I got older, my attraction to women never waned, I just suppressed it for my like of boys. When you grow up in Catholic school, have a Baptist grandmother, and a heterosexual family, you don’t question anything, you just go with the flow. So, for years, I said nothing. I occasionally watched lesbian porn, on late-night TV, but didn’t read into it having to do with my sexuality.  

At the age of fourteen, I joined a youth chorus. There must have been a fine-print that I missed because almost every member was either gay or bisexual. I instantly felt at home. I finally felt free to explore that side of my sexuality without being judged. I flirted with my female and male peers; I even had a girlfriend for about a week. But, when she asked me for money, I broke it off. When my sister-in-law got wind of my questioning sexuality, she assumed they were trying to ‘turn me out.’ There was an exchange of words between her and another girl. And, just like that, I was back in something resembling a closet.    

I flirted with women on and off, but nothing ever manifested. When I was diagnosed with herpes, I put the entire idea to rest. I wasn’t allowed to be a questioning bisexual; so, I had to pick a side and stick with it. For almost a decade, I lived my life as a heterosexual woman, and most of the time, I was content. But, from time to time, I wondered what it would be like to flirt and be intimate with a woman; but fear of rejection kept me quiet.   

Then one day, when I was on PositiveSingles.com, a couple came across my feed. We chatted, met up for drinks, and a few weeks later, I had my first threesome and sexual encounter with a woman. I loved every second of it. Sadly, my time with them was short-lived, as they broke up soon after. I wanted the experience again, but it proved way too difficult to find women with a mutual attraction that wanted to meet. It also became evident that lesbians did not like women that were bisexual. And too often, the women that claimed to be bisexual preferred a consistent male presence, instead of a female one. I wanted to explore being with women only at that time.  

I wasn’t sure where I stood, so I decided the only way to know if I really enjoyed being intimate with women, without investing too much time, was to go to a sex-club. At my first sex club, and most after, I engaged with women. I enjoyed the feeling, but I still questioned myself. When I appeared on the Whoreible Decisions podcast, I defined my sexuality as bi-flexible. Since I never saw myself in a romantic relationship with a woman, it seemed unfair or a lie if I said I was bisexual. Fast forward a year later and countless sexual trysts with women at sex parties, I’m turning a new leaf. As my desire to engage with women at sex parties is beginning to disappear, my passion for real intimacy with a woman is increasing.   

When I’m walking down the street, and a beautiful woman walks past me, I don’t think to myself, damn, I want to eat her pussy (like a man would). I think I want to get to know her, and I wonder if she wants to get to know me, then we’ll see what happens. Despite being totally satisfied in my primary relationship, I want to explore a female connection on an intimate level.   

Every so often, I wonder how it would feel to walk, holding hands with my female love interest. I wonder how we would meet and what our first date would be. I wonder if she would be ok knowing that I’m polyamorous and a swinger. Would we intermingle our lives, or would we keep things separate? And I wonder if our sexual chemistry could transform into love? These are just some of the things that float through my mind when I think about my bisexuality. 

The Wonders of Coconut Oil (Part 1)

Coconut oil has been around for generations; however, within the past decade it has become the “IT” oil for everything. From cooking, to a skin moisturizing, to hair deep conditioning, coconut oil is the thing to have. We started buying coconut oil in the big jar at Costco; we haven’t gotten around to using it for cooking yet, but hair and skin are a definite must in my house. I was walking with my mom and her friend (both nurses), and my mother’s friend mentioned coconut oil suppositories for vaginal yeast. I’ve been a Monistat user for as long as I can remember, but knowing coconut oil is organic, non-chemicals, and a natural anti-bacterial; I figured the information would be good to know for the future. Little did I know the future would be right around the corner.  

The following weekend I went to a sex party. I started following a group on Instagram that threw parties. Before I decided to attend, I made sure there wasn’t a rule that people in my situation weren’t allowed. Once the hostess confirmed that, as long as I told my partners and gave them the choice, it was ok for me to attend, I made preparations. Armed with super high-heels, a black dress, and a snatched waist – I was ready to party. I went downstairs to meet the driver and in less than 30 minutes we were at the hotel. The party was in a suite and everyone was dressed super-casual. Thank heavens I had changed out of my heels and put on my flip flops or I might’ve felt a bit over-dressed. I instantly connected with a guy there. We sat down and talked about the lifestyle, I told him about my diagnosis and, as his mother was in my same situation, he was well aware of what it meant. I saw a man I had spoken to earlier on Instagram enter and we exchanged shy helloes. About an hour later the suite began to fill up. At 11:45 we all went around and introduced ourselves, went over our dos and don’ts, and explained how long we had been in the lifestyle; then it was dress-down hour. Luckily, I packed a robe; because, if I hadn’t, it would’ve been tits, corset, and thong on full display. I may enjoy public sex, but I’m not that much of an exhibitionist yet.  

The man I had spoken to earlier in the night asked me over to the corner with him; then it was ON! We made out, deep sensual lust driven kisses, then he went down on me, I briefly exchanged the favor, then we he bent me over slipped on a condom then we had sex. We had at it for about 10 sex minutes. Then the gentleman I connected with on IG came around and asked to play. He had expressed earlier in the evening that I was the only reason he came to the party; so, I definitely wanted to make his trip worth the while. We briefly kissed, then it was condom on and he was deep inside, hammering away at me. I had to hold back my moans because I didn’t want my other guy to get jealous. Damn!- He pulverized me, and I loved every second of it. After we were satisfied, I needed a break; my arms were sore and I wanted to give my vagina some R&R. 

When I resurfaced, another party-goer, who observed me in action, asked if I would sit on his face. I told him; I was taking a break, but I would get back to him. I took a moment, had a drink, went to the bathroom to re-freshen up then I went to another room to simply be a voyeur. There were two couples going at it and a woman was getting pleasure from another female. Guy A came up behind me as I was watching and started kissing my neck and rubbing my breasts; guy B came in front of me and started rubbing my clit and it wasn’t long before they escorted me back to the corner of the other room. 

Back at it again, being pleased while giving pleasure, I was in a fantasy that I had always wanted to live out. I could feel my body needing some lube, but my bag was all the way across the room, so I just kept going. I played with both until I came then I decided to relax again. There was a scuffle amongst the gentle-man partygoers that was broken up, but then it got out of control, with guy A on top of me. We stopped all action and the party was over.  A man that can find a reason to fight around all that pussy- had some serious issues.

I changed back into my normal-girl attire and exchanged numbers with Guy A. He had to stay upstairs, as he was a partial host/security and Guy B took me to the elevator and waited with me for my uber to arrive. While waiting, the man that requested I sit on his face was downstairs waiting for his car too. He and I exchanged numbers, as well as Guy B and I. My uber arrived, I said good-bye to Guy B and I was on my way home.  

I texted them all separately to notify them that I got home safe and they all replied a Good Night. In the shower, my vagina was sore. Even though I’d been having sex, my M_Tinder partner had been much more, gentle than both the men were that night. I needed a fast-acting option to soothe my lady parts and I remembered- coconut oil. I grabbed the jar out from my parent’s room and put a good amount down-south; immediately, I felt like a brand-new woman. I was so happy too, because; even though I should’ve rain-checked, in a few hours I was to have a play-date with a man I connected with on Feeld (J_Feeld). So I was off to sleep and allowed the wonder of coconut oil to work their magic.

Part 2 (Next Week)