The Ex Files_Part 5: Definition of Insanity

Early-Mid December: 

Remember, he had offered to get Motown tickets for us in July. I want to say in early November he gave me a call one night to ask my availability. I told him a date and he said he was buying the tickets. Between then and the day of the show we had another falling out about his birthday. His birthday fell around Thanksgiving; even though we were not on the best page, I wanted to make a nice gesture. I offered to take him to dinner and I told him to pick a date. His son would be up for the holiday but I figured that we could go out one night and the other night he could have dinner with his family. Long story short he said no to both and our communication dropped, once again. So, with hazy communication when the day of the show came around, I texted him to confirm the time we were meeting up, to which he replied he never bought the tickets. We didn’t speak for a week or two after that.  

Christmas came and went, we were barely on speaking terms yet neither of us declared the relationship over.  

In January, he asks me over because he wants to talk. In my mind we were 98% over but since the words were not spoken, we were still, technically, together. Earlier that week I had saw a good breakfast spot in his area so I agreed to meet him. I got my breakfast then he picked me up and went to his place. I was tired of giving him room to decide what he wanted. I came with a clear and defined agenda. This is where I first established my non-negotiables.  

Non-negotiables are my realistic approach to what will maintain my level of happiness in each specific relationship. We all know that we may not get 100% of what we want in a relationship so you consider what you can and cannot tolerate.  

1- I wanted, at least, 1 romantic date a month. A date of my choosing; where I wanted to go and/or what I wanted to do.  

2- I wanted daily communication. A phone call and/or a text that actually showed he was engaging.  

3- I wanted one weekend a month of just he and I together. I got tired of only seeing him weeknights. Hauling my ass to Glendale after work, barely bonding, then leaving early for work in the morning was not my idea of a good relationship.  

4- And lastly, I wanted a key. In the mornings he would leave me in the apartment and go to work. This was also around the time that I started training for the marathon. I was following a running plan and the inability to come and go for a run on the mornings I stayed over, took a toll on my training. If I had a key I could go for a run, come back to shower and get ready for work.  

After our discussion he did make improvements. 1 and 2 seemed to be gaining traction so I figured this could work. Then came the straw that broke the camel’s back.  

In January we were on a better page, and in February we had seen each other her early in the month. I texted him one day to ask what the plans for Valentine’s day would be (Remember: Valentine’s Day was the original crack in the delicate vase that was our relationship). He told me he had bought tickets for him and his son to go to All Star that weekend; and that was all I needed to hear to know that this relationship was OVER. I replied; “I can’t do this anymore. We are done.”  

Allow me to break down, as to why this instance was the final deal breaker.  

For months this man had strung me along with agreed dates that he never followed through on. However, you pop up and purchase these tickets on a whim, knowing all that you did over the past year. Over and over again I made excuses for him. We would have dates planned, and my family and friends would reach out to me to hang out with them and I would say no because my man and I were going to be together. Imagine my heartache when he would cancel over and over again, I would be left home alone. I gave him ample opportunities to right his wrongs and he never did. A date, some flowers, chocolates, meeting my friends, my family nothing ever happened. I would suggest fun activities for us to do, in his neighborhood and he would turn them down all the time. The day of the non-negotiables talk he made a comment that aided in my final decision. He said “I remember things that I want to do. If I don’t want to do it- I don’t care to remember.” The light finally came on in the dark cave that was my brain. I finally saw him for who he truly was. Selfish and a term we now call a Fuckboy! 

When he told me that he got those tickets for him and his son, I knew then that whatever I wanted would never be a priority to him. He would never buy me flowers because he didn’t want to. He would never buy me chocolates and take me out for Valentine’s Day because he didn’t want to. He would never meet my family or friends because he didn’t want to. He would continue to offer and say he would do things for me and with me, fully knowing that he was lying to my face, all because he didn’t want to. Finally, I saw him for who he really was and I knew I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I knew I deserved better and I was not going to get it with him. 

We spoke when I got a new job and he congratulated me. Maybe a year later we met up for lunch and we caught up with casual conversation. Occasionally he’ll still reach out to me and imply we should see each other and try to get back together. And I’ll be honest; after dealing with all my online dating fiascos over the past three years, sometimes I’m tempted to consider going back to him. Then I remember all the emotional emptiness I felt. I remember the few times good times that I hold on to were often connected by much sadness.  

I saw an episode of Steve Harvey and there was a couple and the husband said something that made so much sense. He said; we are all different people we all may want love but we want it differently. When you enter a relationship, you have to learn how to love your partner the way they want to be loved. We have to learn to accept that what worked for the last partner may not work for the next one.  

Example: Your last partner may love affection and company; spending time and hanging out may be more than enough to keep them happy. But if your next partner prefers gifts and communication, you’ll have to learn to adjust to loving them in that way. Every pair will be different, but you have to put in the work to find out and maintain the level of happiness. 

My answer was and will forever be no to getting back with him. He was too set in his ways and unwilling to love me in the way I wanted and needed to be loved. He expected me to be content with what made him happy and that would never work for me. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result; and, for once, I was finally sane.

The Ex Files_Part 4: Tired of Tired

So, let’s do a recap.  

October-November: Casually Dating 

November-January: We’re sleeping together. No official title. No gift for Christmas and no time spent together for the holidays. 

February (Valentine’s Day): First official argument. I requested a date, that he agreed to, yet never fulfilled. I got him a card.  

February-March: He proposes a mini vacation that he never follows through on. 

April-May: Still no title. We’re seeing each other about once a week. Actual romantic dates are not frequently happening. Most dates are basic movies and/or cheap dinners or takeout.  

June (My Birthday Month): I receive no present. 

July (My family vacation to Vegas): He said he would attend but he did not.  

August: I was ready to put my foot down and/or call it quits. He then called me his girlfriend and I fell in stupid all over again. He offered to buy me tickets to the Motown play. 

September-October: The rocky ground becomes flaming coals as I become frustrated with yet another promise that is never fulfilled (Six Flags Fright Fest).  

So here we are, in November. I had grown tired of his bullshit. However, for reasons (which I will address in a totally different post to come later) I couldn’t completely cut the cord and walk away.  

We had stopped speaking for a few days after he let me down with the Six Flags fiasco. I played the dumb game most of us play: he’d text me and I would wait hours to text him back etc. Then, one afternoon he gave me a call. Claiming how he missed me and wanted to see me. At this point, I had grown tired of leaving my job, travelling on the train for over an hour just to go to his house and do nothing but watch tv and get crappy takeout. If I wanted to watch tv I could do that at my own damn house. I came to the realization that he was not a pick up on signals type of guy. I would have to make it crystal clear for him. So, I asked him “Where are we going to go?” His response; “I have to see how I feel, I might be tired.” To which I responded: “That’s fine. Hit me up when you’re not tired. Because I am sick and tired of you being tired whenever I come by. Ok.” I then hung up the phone.  

He was furious with me; but I gave ZERO FUCKS. I was done caring about his feelings and him being tired- blah fucking blah! He immediately called me back; he was shocked that I hung up on him and that I would say that. He complained that I was the busy one and that I didn’t make time for him. Which was bull shit! For months I had been asking for us to spend a weekend together and it never happened. He complained that my schedule was too complicated for him and that it was too much work for him to remember my schedule. To which I responded- all he had to do was ask me my availability. He called it “making an appointment” I called it “communication”.  

I did a little digging during the course of our relationship. I found out that in his previous relationships his partners either, didn’t work or had very limited social lives and he had also taken care of them. They lived with him, didn’t work, and he handled all the bills. He was used to dating women that would always be available because they did nothing else. He was used to doing what he wanted when he wanted because he was the one that always paid. Think about it; if you’re a “kept woman” and you want to go on a vacation but rely on your man to pay for it; you have to convince him and/or wait for him to want to go on said vacation. This was his dating life for over a decade, prior to meeting me. He was not used to dating a girl that worked, had a social life, and had plans. He was used to doing what he wanted, when he wanted, and it never being an issue. Sadly- that was not they dynamics of my life; they never were and never will be. My independence matters to me, my social life matters to me, my family, my friends, my fitness all matter to me; and when I’m in relationship, my partner matters to me. To me, I thought I was doing a great job at balancing it all; to him, however, I was not.  

Needless to say, nothing got resolved on that phone call; it became very tit for tat. Eventually I got tired of to a brick wall so, I said goodnight and ended the conversation. 

We didn’t see each other for another 2 weeks. When he finally called and asked to take me out, we set a date for a weekend, we went to Juniper in Brooklyn and went to the movies after. Dinner and the movie were nice gestures, but it was like putting whip cream and a cherry on shit and calling it chocolate ice cream. 

When we got back to his place, we tried to talk things out. I told him that I was not happy in the relationship. He couldn’t understand what I was unhappy about. He said he was happy with me so why was I not happy with him; as if it was a barter system (happy for happy). For starters, I never met any of his family and/or friends; even though I had invited him on many occasions to meet mine; he simply never showed up. I brought up the fact that over and over he made promises and never kept them. To which his response was “well I never promised.” He didn’t comprehend that; whether or not you use the word promise when you agreed and you didn’t follow through, it still hurts. I told him that his not caring about how I felt hurt and he claimed I chose to be upset and that I should just learn to let things go. In essence, all the things I was complaining about didn’t matter to him.  

He didn’t care about meeting my family or friends; because to him it wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t care about dates- he was just happy to be with me. He didn’t care about broken plans because to him we would always have time. Lastly, he felt that I held on to things and that I should, like him, just let them go. I had to explain to him he and I were not the same person. A person has to be willing to compromise with their partner if the relationship is to be successful. I had compromised a hell of a lot; I changed my routine and I became a home-body, I let movies and take-out replace actual dates because my guy was a casual guy, I started watching sports because he liked sports and, I made less plans to try and be available for him more. I was done compromising. I wanted dates and romance, but I also wanted honored plans, and experiences together. I told him, I’m the type of girl that when I am wronged you have to acknowledge the wrong and fix it; I do not just let shit go. If you put a crack in a vase you have to fix it, if not the crack will get worse and eventually the vase will break. I told him if he wanted this relationship to work there would have to be changes made on his part. I asked him, just to try things my way- if it didn’t work then we would cut our losses but at least give it a try. The way I saw it was: We did things your way and it doesn’t work, now let’s try it my way.  

Him trying things my way lasted for about 2 weeks. 

(Part 4 Coming Very Soon) 

The Ex Files_Part 3: Master of Illusion

Girlfriend (as defined by Merriam-Webster.com): A female friend/ A frequent or regular female companion in a romantic or sexual relationship. 

Girlfriend (as defined by Urbandictionary.com): A female who you love, admire, respect, and desire to be with; a girl who makes you laugh, smile and realize what true happiness is; your perfect match; a girl who goes from best friend, to teammate, to partner in crime all in one day; a woman who brings out the best in you; your favorite lady.  

When he called me his “girlfriend” I was overjoyed, ecstatic, and most of all, scared out of my mind. I didn’t want to mess things up. I had finally gotten what I wanted- a man that had his shit together; an education, a good job, his own place, and a car. He also had a record of long-lasting relationships, one of five years, and another of seven. I was sure that if I played my cards right, we would eventually get there too. My longest relationship, up to this point had only been a little over a year. I was tired of starting over and over again so I decided to shut my mouth and be a good woman for him. 

Our first date back from my vacation he picked me up from the train station and we went to the movie theatre at the mall. It was the end of July or early August, and they were playing movies in the courtyard. We had time to kill before our movie started so we stood there for a while. We exchanged many kisses as he held me in his arms- it was all very romantic. I had told him all that I did in Vegas; the food I ate, the rides, the shows we saw. I mentioned I saw a Motown revue show. The Motown show was actually playing on Broadway at the time so he asked if I wanted to go- to which I said yes. He said that he would get tickets; so, naturally I was happy. We saw our movie then got dinner after then went back to his place. We were off to a good start. The level of romance and affection had increased, and he suggested a nice date for us to go on; I was very pleased. If only the fantasy I was living in my mind was an actual reality; instead of an illusion. 

After I became his girlfriend, I tried to increase the amount of time we spent together. I wanted to see more of him so I started requesting back to backs (or two-a-days) as I called them. We would see each other two evenings in a row. One day we would go out the other we would often stay in. Some days I cooked other days we ordered in. These two-a-days, however, only ever happened on weekdays, never on weekends. The sex, by this time had become routine. We’d watch movies, eat, shower before bed then have sex. I would perform orally on him and he would sometimes do the same. One day I realized that the oral exchange was heavily imbalanced. I had sucked him off way more times than he had eaten me out. I talked about this with my friend and she suggested I bring it up to him in a sensual way, one night. I did bring the issue up buy my bedside manner was anything but sensual.  

I started by kissing his neck, then his chest, down his abdomen, all while speaking to him and asking if he liked it like this and like that. Right when I was about to take him into my mouth I stopped and asked him; “Do you like your kisses down low?” To which he replied “Yes.” I then said “Good! so do I.” I then laid down beside him. He was quite unhappy, to say the least. We got into an argument about what I did. I pointed out that I was the one constantly giving oral pleasure at an insanely imbalanced rate. I was tired of sucking his dick and not being pleased in return. (If you’ve read the previous post entitled, Who Are These Women; then, you know that intercourse alone does not get me off. I love penetration- but if I want to orgasm, I require oral.) His argument was- he did it when he wanted to, not just because I wanted it; and that, to me, was not ok. I made it very clear that I needed head to give head. For a moment he obliged and I happily did the same but that would only last for a little bit. 

October- We still had not gone to see the Motown show. I had reminded him about the tickets and he said he was waiting for his employees to return from their vacations to buy the tickets. I didn’t want to be a pest so I let his answer be. Besides, the show wasn’t leaving until January so there was still plenty of time.  

October happens to be my favorite month; this year it also happened to become my busiest. I had multiple breast cancer events to go to and numerous birthday parties. One evening, at home with my guy, he brought up the idea of going to 6 Flags for Fright Fest. I told him I’d love to go but I was only available for one weekend out of the entire month. He confirmed that he too was available that same weekend so we set the date to go. I was to pack my bag for the weekend, get to his house Friday night and we’d go on Saturday, and spend all day Sunday booed up together; finally a weekend with my guy. A few days later, while I was at work, he messaged me. We chatted for a little bit about the day and week, etc. He then informed me that he had purchased his ticket to go visit his son. I then asked him when he planned to leave. When he told me the dates, I had to do a few double takes.  

Ex: If we agreed (in person, face to face) to go to 6 Flags on the 15th of October; why would you choose to purchase your ticket on the 13th of October? Now, some of you are probably thinking; that not too bad he’ll be back in time for 6 Flags. Well that’s because you don’t know him. I already knew when he told me the date of his flight out that I wouldn’t see him until well into the 20s. When he would go and see his son, he always stayed for over a week. I knew that this would be another date that would never happen. 

The week he went to visit his son and I stayed home, watched horror movies, went out with friends, and worked out. I was prepared to have another conversation with him. I was, once again, getting tired of unfulfilled promises. The weekend he came back I was in a Zumba charity class for breast cancer. He calls me on the phone with the most nonchalant attitude. He asks me how my day is going and suggests we should have gone to 6 Flags today. At that moment I felt like I was taking crazy pills. Did he really just say that to me? I told him I had to go and hung up the phone. We saw each other on Halloween. My coworker was having a costume party, and as much as I would have liked to have gone with my guy, I knew that was not his scene. So, we got takeout and watched horror movies. I didn’t bring up the issue about 6 Flags- I didn’t have the energy to talk to a brick wall. Later that night; after we showered and, got into bed I fucked out all of my aggression. I held his head down with force as he ate me out and I rode him hard with unspoken anger. When he finally came there was no long romantic kiss. I got up, showered, climbed back into bed and turned away from him.

That night I grew furious. It had been 13 months I’d been seeing this man. A little over half way through I had become his girlfriend; but what did that mean? I definitely didn’t feel like a girlfriend; I was so trapped up in the illusion. I wish someone would have been there to snap me out of it, but I stayed in the daze for just a little while longer. 

Part 4 Next Week 

THE EX FILES PART 2: EUREKA!

After the Valentine’s day date fiasco, we were, actually, able to get back on a decent page. We would arrange to see each other at least one day a week; always on a weeknight, never on a weekend. I would leave work and take the train; sometimes he would meet me at the train, sometimes I would have to take the bus. On occasion, we would go straight to the apartment. Sometimes he would go on a date; one time, we actually did dinner and a movie. Most of the dates, unfortunately, would end up being a movie then takeout. He had a bad habit of playing basketball after he got home from work, then he’d lay around for hours, and then wait until later in the afternoon to get his hair cut before our dates. He would then want to go home to shower before we went back out. That would leave us very little time, if any, to eat before the movie, so we’d always end up just getting fast food or Chinese food.

Eating fast food became second nature in our relationship. I was (still am) a complete food-lover and he was not. He was quite content with McDonalds, Burger King, and the Chinese spot around the corner. I enjoyed sushi, Thai, and boutique burger joints. He enjoyed the snacks from the corner store while I enjoyed desserts at restaurants like, Chocolate Lava Cake or Tiramisu. Prior to the relationship; I always had control over what I ate because, I ate what I wanted when I wanted. Before we began dating, I wasn’t much of a late-night eater, but once we started to regularly see each other I, like most women do when they enter a new relationship, adapted my lifestyle to accommodate his. I began to notice the pounds pile on slowly and I was not satisfied so I began working out. I wasn’t, by any means, a dedicated gym rat though, I just worked out whenever I felt like it.

At this time in our relationship I found myself having a lot of free time as I would keep my schedule open for whenever he wanted to see me. I got into the habit of asking when we would see each other again. To which he would always respond “I’ll let you know” or “I gotta check my schedule”.  One day my mom asked me to go to Zumba with her and with much reluctance, I finally agreed. I immediately fell in love with it. Not only did it give me something to do during the week, it was great exercise, I met great people and best of all, it was something my mother and I could do together. I took classes Mondays, Tuesdays, and some Sundays. Needless to say, this shift in my availability did not go down well with my guy. I remember calling him on the phone and discussing this with him and his response was “So, now I have to make an appointment to see you?”, to which I was taken aback. There are seven days in a week, if I was only eliminating two of them (since I didn’t always go to the Monday class) there were still five days that we could see each other. I didn’t see an issue with this, especially since we were still only seeing each other one day a week at this point. Later I realized that it wasn’t the amount of days it was that I put a restriction on him. No longer would he be able to call me whenever he wanted and know that I would be available. He actually had to put effort into remembering things about my life.

Around this time (end of March) my family was planning our vacation to Vegas. He and I were still not labeled as a couple but I still invited him to the trip. I told him all the details: when, where, how long, etc. He told me he had to check with the mother of his child to see if his son would be out of school then because that may conflict with his plans. But he assured me that if he didn’t have his son, he would come to Vegas. In addition to him coming to Vegas he mentioned that we should also do a mini trip of our own, which sounded nice. So, I waited for him to set the date, since his schedule was not as predictable as mine was, and confirm the details with me.

I checked back with him a few months later when my family was booking our flights. I asked him if he reached out to his son’s mother yet about the scheduling and he said no and that he would get back to me. I told him that there was a sense of urgency as the tickets were cheap now and we planned to book by the following day. He said that price- wasn’t an issue and that he would just buy his ticket once he knew if he was going. He also added that if he couldn’t stay the entire trip, he would probably just fly down for a few days to see me and gamble bit.

June (my birthday month) came – I got no present as he was in Florida visiting his son and that mini vacation he offered, it never happened. Back in May I had asked my friend, Crystal, to come with me to Vegas. I didn’t want to be a 5th wheel and I couldn’t rely on him to show up so I asked her to come with me. She had just had her baby girl but she was able to pull it off and we had a fantastic time. In Vegas we saw the Cirque Du Soliel- Michael Jackson show, Boys 2 Men, and the Jabbawockeez show. Crystal and I even took a two-day trip to visit her friend in California. We went to Griddle Café, walked Runyon Canyon, walked Venice Beach, and went to Pink Taco. Other than our bus overheating on the way back to Vegas, the entire trip went off without a hitch.

I didn’t see him the first week I got back to New York. He told me he just stayed in the city and that he didn’t go visit his son; which meant he could’ve come to visit me but he chose not to. Over the course of the vacation I had started to hit a road block in our situationship. It had been almost 9 months that we were seeing each other. We never met each other’s family and or friends and we never set a label to what we were. We never went anywhere together, I had to request almost every date we went on and I was often home alone on weekends. In the beginning I was going with the flow but that flow was getting old. I wanted something more reliable, something that would give me butterflies and I was ready and loaded with ammunition to have that conversation when we spoke again. But then, he did something I didn’t see coming.

We were on the phone and he asked when he would see me again. His exact words were “I feel like I have to make an appointment to see my girlfriend…”

He had called me his girlfriend- Eureka! I was finally getting what I wanted; which was to be chosen and taken off the market. All that ammunition that I was ready to fire off fizzled to dust the minute he used the G-word. I was overjoyed to have the label and be someone’s “girlfriend” again. What I would later realize was; a label without contents was useless.

Part 3 Next Week

THE X-FILES: FUCKBOY PART 1

I was walking home on Thursday night, last week, listening to episode 5 of the podcast, “This Is Why You’re Single”. (This Is Why You’re Single, is a podcast where two women offer their opinions on why we, women, find ourselves single. They explore the various reasons and offer their opinions and perspectives). As the episode progressed eventually got to the topic of a fuckboy (definition below – UrbanDictionary.com); as they recited the definition from Urban Dictionary.com, I was overcome with the realization that I had, in fact, dated a fuckboy. When I say dated, I don’t mean went on a few dates; I mean I had a full-on, over a year long relationship with, what is now labeled as a Fuckboy! 

The Set Up: I met R_Badoo in the Fall of 2014 (I want to say around early October). I will be honest and admit, that I had started talking to him via the app while I was still technically with my ex. My ex, at the time, was back in his country of Trinidad & Tobago and the relationship had been on the rocks for months prior. When he had to go back, I hate to admit it, but I was happy. Before I made arrangements to go on the date with R_Badoo I told my ex that I couldn’t date him anymore. A few weeks later R_Badoo and I had our first date.  

First Date: We met downtown by Union Square; we went to the movies and then got burgers at a nearby restaurant. We laughed and joked and filled each other in on details. He lived in Queens, had a car, was a manager at Whole Foods, had an almost teenage son, lived by himself, and didn’t smoke or drink. He liked sports (almost all of them), played basketball, and liked to travel. His past relationships were 7 years (which gave him his son) and 5 years after that. The date went well and it was refreshing to be on a date again, especially with a man that had a good job, his own place, a car, and seemed to have his shit together. At the end of the date we walked back to the train and went our separate ways. 

Second Date: November (1-2 weeks after the first). We met up and went to Counter in Times Sq for dinner then walked to Bryant Park. The Winter Village was up so we walked the shops and got hot chocolate. I was expecting a kiss but he didn’t try that night. I wanted dessert so we walked up to Magnolia bakery; I got a banana pudding and I offered to buy him a dessert but he declined. After paying we left the bakery and walked a little bit more. Once again, we each got on our separate trains home. 

Third Date: A week later, dinner and a movie and finally we had our first kiss. It was sweet and powerful at the same time. At the end of the date we went on the train our separate ways, another great date and finally broke the ice with a kiss, and I was so happy it was a good kiss.  

For our fourth date he invited me to meet him in Queens. I worked in Long Island City at the time; I took the train to near his stop where he was waiting for me in his car. We drove to his place and ordered in. From what I remember I think we watched a movie and probably some sports. When we got into bed I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I was pleasantly surprised. The sex was great. In the morning, he drove me home so I could get ready for work.  

Winter Time: 

The above pattern became our routine.  After our first night together, a lot of our follow-up meetings took place in his apartment. Long gone, it seemed were the days when he would go out of his way to come and see me. Everything became come to me, I’ll pick you up from the train and we would always end up at his house. That winter had particularly bad weather; there was constant snow and rain. He would mention alternate side parking and the streets being difficult, etc. I’ve heard this story before, from my mother especially, so I gave him some slack. I didn’t call attention to the fact that my friend was going on dates in the dead of winter using cab services because her guy at the time didn’t have a car. The point being- he still made an effort. 

November, December, and January went by smoothly enough and then came Valentine’s Day.  

Valentine’s Day: By now, we had been seeing each other since October (about 5 months), I was entitled to a Valentine’s Day date. He had expressed to me early on that he was not big on holidays so I asked him to take me out. At this time my friend what having some serious dating troubles and I wanted to be there for her. I asked R_Badoo what his schedule was like for that weekend, and he confirmed that Saturday night would work; so, I, in return, confirmed plans with my friend for Friday night. A week later (the Monday leading up to V-Day) he called me and told me about his sister’s party and that he would possibly have to stay late at work Saturday for inventory. Naturally I asked how this affected our plans and he said we could switch it to Friday. I then replied that I couldn’t because my friend made her plans for Saturday, based on our prior agreement. So, naturally I was annoyed but I tried not to make a big deal about it since there was still a possibility of a date happening.  

On Saturday, I woke up, got brunch and checked with him- he was still busy at work. I asked him about later and he said that he would let me know. After brunch I went back home. At around 8pm I called him again and he said he was heading to his sister’s house for her birthday and I was livid. I went to a Mexican restaurant downtown, had dinner and a few drinks. At about 2 margaritas in he gives me a casual call to see how I’m doing. I have never been one to bull shit so I told him I was upset. Sitting around all these couples, by myself, on Valentine’s Day was not how I wanted my evening to go. His response; “don’t worry- we have time”. He brushed my feelings off like there was nothing wrong with the entire ordeal.  

Over the weekend, we planned to see each other on Monday. At work I messaged him that I was still expecting my date. (In my mind- if he made up for cancelling our date then I could move past my annoyance. So I was hoping that he would agree to dinner, a movie, and a night of great sex). By this time; no longer was he meeting me at the train, I was taking the bus to get to his place after the train- Oh! How the mighty had fallen. Nonetheless, when I got to his apartment I thought that he would be getting ready for our make-up date, but he was laying in bed and watching tv in his pajamas. I sat down on the bed, tried to remain calm as my blood began to boil. After about 15-20 minutes I asked him, what was going on, and when were we heading out. His response- he was tired and didn’t feel like it. I saw red. I was furious and extremely hurt. I took the card that I got for him, left it on the bed, and walked out.  

When I walked outside it was pouring rain. If this were a movie this would be the scene where the guy comes running down the street, screaming my name. He would take me in his arms, apologize for being an ass and we’d live happily ever after. This, however, was no movie. The reality was that I walked about 3 blocks, all the time crying my eyes out. I called my friend, Cat, (who was on a date with her now husband) and vented to her; she was there for me in that moment the way I was for her that weekend. The second harsh reality was that I was totally and utterly lost. I didn’t know if the direction I was walking in was right and I didn’t know how far the walk would be to the train. I did not have Uber or any app at the time and no knowledge of a cab company out there. So, unlike the strong female that I am now, I turned back around and went back to his apartment.  

When I got back we had an argument that resulted in nothing but me being more sad and him having his way. He called me spoiled and said that I was acting like a brat over a date. I made it clear it was about more than the date. The fact that I had to ask for the date in the first place was a problem. The fact that we agreed on a date and time and that he so leisurely cancelled was a problem. The fact that this evening was supposed to be the makeup date and that his claim was tired (when he wasn’t too tired to play ball earlier in the afternoon) was the problem. He claimed that he was going to invite me to his sister’s dinner, which would have been nice, but the fact that it NEVER happened was a non-factor. I stayed over that night but the bed was cold, in the morning we made up; which really means I waved my white flag and put my feelings aside.  

Stay Tuned for Part 2 of the Ex Files.