I told myself; when I decided to start this blog that I would write my posts based on prior experiences. I feel that I have done my best to remain true that rule; however, every so often I am forced into dealing with a situation that must be shared. This is one of those times. On previous postings I did not use the subject’s name- I will not do so in this post as this person deserves no anonymity.
I had matched with Kev (a white man), through Tinder. We spoke casually for what was probably a week and we seemed to have a lot in common. When I say a lot- I mean A LOT. We liked the same food, the same TV shows; we spoke about comic-con and he joked about going with me. We discovered that we lived near each other, just 10 minutes away. I was leaving for my Disney vacation on Wednesday morning and he wanted to meet up Tuesday night. We spoke on the phone while I was at work on Tuesday and he said he would give me a call at 7pm to confirm our plans to meet later, at 9:30pm. When I got home from work I decided to wind down. I waited for his call, but it didn’t come; I just chucked it up to another ghosting. I was heading to the gym when he gave me a call at 8:30pm. He was ready to meet, and I told him I was already on my way to the gym but I could meet him when I was done in 45 minutes. At the same time I ran into friends I had not seen in a while so I told him I’d call him when I was done so we could meet. I got to the gym, did my workout, and texted him at 9:20pm.
Me: Hey, so I just finished. I’m going home to freshen up then I’ll walk to you. I can meet you on your street then we can walk south a bit.
Him: No sorry going straight to the bar on 85th
Him: What part of that is confusing? I was going to meet you at Supply House on 85ht & 3rd. But never mind my phone is dying and I dont feel like waiting until ten anyway. We had originally said 9:30. We can meet when you get back.
Him: Yea I mentioned that on the phone but you were distracted then hung up on me. Have fun on your trip.
Me: You also said you was going to get back to me around 7 and you didn’t until 8:30. So me squeezing in a workout isn’t exactly my fault. If we met at 9:30 we’d still be out beyond 10 so I’m not fully understanding the cancellation. But if you’re tired and not in the mood I have no choice but to respect that. Have a good night and I hope we can meet when I get back.
**I WAS GONE FOR 11 DAYS: I did not hear from him the entire trip so I was not expecting to hear from him once I got back, which was on Sunday night. So, imagine my surprise when he messages me at work on Monday.
Him: Are you back from vacation yet?
Being the bigger person and acknowledging that we did have a lot in common I put my initial reservations to the side. Men get antsy and annoyed when your world does not revolve around them, so I assumed he was emitting the same behavior.
He asked me how my trip was, and asked me what did. Besides the delayed flight back because of the weather, the trip was amazing. We picked up the conversation and all seemed to be going well until this happened.
**The below dialogue is the exact exchange between Kev and I. I did not edit or enhance.**
Him: So hey would you potentially be open to being just friends? Running partners specifically?
Me: I have no preconceived notions when it comes to men. So even though our paths crossed on a dating app; at the end of the day if being friends is more suitable I’m totally fine with that.
Him: Lol um ok then.
Me: Lol- what was you expecting? Did you meet a female while I was away that more tickles your fancy?
Him: Just saying a simple “ok” would have sufficed. And what was you? Don’t ever speak ebonics to me, even if just friends.
Me: What were* you (easy mistype). But I’ll remove the option of friends. I’m not a fan of the way in which you choose to talk to me. So from this moment forward we never have to communicate ever again. Have a nice life!
(AN HOUR LATER)
Him: “what was you” isnt a typo you fucking retard. It’s your niggerness coming out. Deuces! You were the jackass who were rude enough to try to postpone our date a few weeks ago back by a full hour. You think I really would have given you a chance after that? You’re dumber than shit apparently. Run along now.
Yes. I will give you a second to pick your jaw up off of the floor. I was extremely shocked at the words he used against me. I have dealt with disrespectful men in my past so his tone, although completely unacceptable, was not new to me. What really got under my skin was the use or race.
His decision to bring racial slurs into the argument (if you can even call it that) was completely unwarranted. I was in shock and didn’t quite know how to react, so I sent the screenshots to my friends and they too were shocked. In previous, similar situations, I would vent about it to family and friends but I took it a step further. I posted the conversation on Reddit, Instagram, and Facebook and the consensus was overall the same- to expose him. I will discuss how I choose to handle him on a later post; but for the moment I have to address the issue that seemed to radiate from my friends comments on the post.
They pose the idea that they (meaning all white people) feel that way, deep down. I can honestly say that I have never been on the receiving end of racial slurs (dating or not) in my life- I have been that lucky. I also have worked with white people majority of my life, so I know they don’t all think like that. I have met enough nice white men in my years that truly love black women; so I know that the swirl is real.
What bugs me about the situation was, had this situation never happen, I would have had no idea of the dark thoughts that plagued his mind. I mean; why would you reach out to me (a black woman) if those thoughts were roaming around in your brain, ready to be fired at will?
It really made me take a moment and consider adjusting my vetting process when it comes to dating men outside of my race. It also made me hyper aware of “white-privilege-heartbreak”.
He was not mad that I was not ready when he wanted me to be. He was mad that I (a black woman) was not ready when he wanted me to be. He was mad that I didn’t drop what I was doing and run to him.
He was not mad that I was ok with being just friends. What he wanted was for me (a black woman) to be sad and beg for him to want to date me. And when I was ok with just being friends his ego was further hurt.
And then came the last straw. When I took all communication off of the table, it was as if I put black face on him and made him top billing on the minstrel show. That was when he lost his entire white mind.
And at the core of it all, him bringing race into the conversation proved that it was not the rejection alone that was the issue; it was the fact that the rejection came from me (a black woman). And, because he was experiencing white-privilege-heartbreak he decided to fly his true flag.
I refuse to believe that thought like this linger below the surface of every non-black person. I still continue to believe that true love is out there for me. I just hope that I will be wiser the next time.
This is horrifying and shocking. I don’t know what to say except he was clearly a racist asshole. And, NO, this is not the way all non-black people think!
Thank you. Luckily this was my first bad encounter so my perception is not jaded.