A Look in the Mirror

Every post I have written, thus far, has been about the men that I’ve encountered and how they were in the wrong. However, there comes a time when one must take a step back, look at their current situation, and consider the actions that bought them to this exact moment. To do this, is never an easy task; which is why so many people would rather blame others. So, for this post I decided to take a look in the mirror and consider some of the reasons why I am single.

Let the record state that I chose to end my last relationship three relationships. For various reasons I was very unhappy and I came to the conclusion that I’d rather be happy alone than unhappy in a relationship.

So, why am I single? I’ll start with the most obvious reason. I believe most men and women can agree with this reason as well. The number one reason I am single is because I am very picky. I can sleep with an asshole that I have no intention of settling down with because the sex is good. But, when it comes to matters of the heart and long lasting love the minimum I am willing to live with is my 75/15/10 rule.

My 75/15/10 rule is; 75%- happy, 15%- dissatisfied, and 10%- disappointed. I include disappointment in this rule because it’s just realistic. To find a partner that will contribute to your happiness 100% of the time is, for most relationships, not possible. Sure, there are those lucky couples that seems to have lucked out but most of us will be forced to settle. We all have the ideal partner in mind, or in the very least what we are willing to live with; but as that biological clocks starts to wind down and all the people around us start to pair off we cant help but feel alone. All the traits we once rejected, as we feel more and more lonely, we begging to rationalize them for the sake of not being alone.

For most of my dating life I went from relationship to relationship with very little time being single in between. So, when I finally made the decision to end my last relationship I figured it wouldn’t be too long before I was in another relationship. I told myself I was going to take some time and date around until I found a partner that I really, really liked. I was tired of jumping into the title of girlfriend without the emotional connection and or all the perks of being a girlfriend. I got tired of rationalizing my ex’s mediocre courtship and lack of communication skills; I didn’t want to go through that again. I decided to enjoy my life until I met a man that fulfilled the desires I knew I couldn’t live without. So I broke down my list into 2 different sections Negotiable & Non-negotiable

MY NON-NEGOTIABLE LIST

• Honesty

• Loyalty

• Communication skills

• Has a career (or good job, with the possibility of upward mobility)

• Romantic (cuddling, courting and going on dates, occasional flowers on romantic events/holidays)

• Passionate

• Good teeth (no rotting- it says a lot about you if your clothes are fly and your teeth are jacked up)

• Decent skin (that’s hereditary- and I don’t want my child subjected to extreme bad acne)

• Nice sized penis (no gherkins)

• Great in bed (stamina and oral skills are a must)

• No Kids (I tried on multiple occasions to date men with kids, and it just isn’t for me. I’m too selfish and that is a reality I have to live with.)

• No Cigarette smoking

• No Drugs (weed only occasion)

• No excessive drinking

• No criminal record

Majority of my points were established and completely ignored in my past relationships. I dated men with kids, men with criminal records, and men with horrible communication skills and they all failed, miserably. After the last one, I made them all non-negotiable. The below list, I’m not so rigid on because they can be worked on and/or learned.

• In good/decent health (Reason: I work out a lot (4-5 days a week) and run marathons; I don’t want a partner that will make my desires to get fit a burden in the relationship.)

• Loves good food (I’m in no way the healthiest eater, but I try to eat healthy and I do eat well. If we go on a date and you comment that Starbucks is expensive, the date is done. I work hard and I want I choose to enjoy the fruits of my labor. If a man can’t afford to buy my coffee that’s an immediate indicator that this will not end well.)

• Knows what good food is (I’m by no means a chef but I like to eat well and explore different cuisines. I can’t date a man that lives on fast food; especially since I’m the kind of girl that will pick up on her partner’s bad habits.)

So, after my last relationship I was armed and ready with my list. I took a few months to focus on my goals (running the marathon, starting my novel, and getting healthy) then I dived in to the dating scene. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, I knew I would have to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince, but I was ready for the discovery of love. I re-vamped my online dating profiles, downloaded every dating app possible, and got on Nexplanon (a 3-year birth control). My hope was after 3 years I would, in the very least be in a solid relationship. Fast forward to 3 years and 7 months I have a blog about how difficult online dating has become. So I decided to take a look in the mirror.

REASON 1: I can honestly say that, over the years I’ve realized that I am not your cookie-cutter average girl. I have a very unique look that some men just don’t appreciate. I’m a curvy, bold glasses wearing, wild haired, emo-black-girl with an overall sexual look. My body is both my gift and my curse. My curves often get me boxed in the sex zone for some; and I’m considered fat to those that prefer a more slender woman. The men that appreciate my emo-ness only want me for sex and the other men won’t take me seriously.

REASON 2: I’ve also gotten very comfortable being single and I am also an avid planner. I always have a scheduled workout, a race, or plans with family and/or friends. I refuse to be one of those girls that drop all of her plans for a potential date; I’ve done that in the past and it only left me feeling less than. Especially after I maneuvered my plans only to be cancelled on or to have a horrible date. The problem I’ve found with the men that choose to reach out to me; they expect me to drop all of my plans and that is something I am just unwilling to do. If I had a dollar for every time a man wanted to go on a date, (asking me the day before and/or of) on the eve of a race, I would have a lot of money.

REASON 3: I can be a snob. I don’t need the most attractive man; because In all honestly I prefer them 5-8 on the attraction scale. A man that’s an attractive 9-10 is only going to attract more other chicks and I’m not about to fight for a man.

REASON 4: You wouldn’t buy a car before you test drive it- would you? Well, that is my sentiment exactly. I refuse to date a man for months and months, allow my emotions to swell and after sleeping with him only to be disappointed when we have sex. I know that I would swiftly end the relationship with a great man if the sex was not up to my liking. But the irony is that I don’t like to be sex-zoned before the first date. Bad sex is a deal-breaker but it is not my only goal; its just very important to me.

So the above, are just a few of the reasons I’ve concluded why I am single. The sad part is; as I get older, and the years tick by, the possibility of me finding a man that can meet my list is less and less likely. I now realize that in another few years I’ll have to readjust my list. I never thought my list and expectations were that difficult but clearly it is. I’ll continue to be optimistic that I’ll meet the man of my dreams. Please continue to wish me luck.

New Shoes and An Upgrade

I started talking to WM_OKC in the summer of 2017. He messaged me with so much character and personality that I was quite intrigued. He was a very attractive white man with a front poof and facial hair and 39 years old. I was immediately attracted to him and, lucky for me, he was very down with the swirl. We started following each other on Instagram and I found out that; he was a foodie like myself, he worked in the medical field, and not only was he down with the swirl, he was seriously #WOKE. In my mind I thought this could be very good. We continued to message and get to know each other back on OKC; travel plans, hobbies, likes and dislikes. It seemed we actually had a lot in common. We spoke for a few days and then naturally the conversation progressed. He had a serious foot fetish and asked for pictures of my feet; he said he wanted to massage and lick them. Then our conversations got more sexual; he was also an ass man and said he wanted to kiss and lick all over mine. He did not shy away from complimenting on my body and I gladly returned the favor. We exchanged a few naughty photographs (no face, tattoos, or identifying body- marks) he had a nice body and a nice sized penis. He also said that he quite enjoyed eating pussy; so I was confident that if things progressed he’d surely satisfy me. We made plans to actually go on a date, prior to just jumping into bed with each other. We spoke for a few more days then he went silent. He stopped messaging me on OKC so I was quite pissed off.

After a week of no response I wanted an answer. I needed to know why he stopped talking to me. We seemed to have a lot in common and our conversations were quite interesting so I didn’t understand his ghosting me. So I decided to DM him on Instagram and asked him, why he reached out to me if he had no desire to actually meet me.

I was not expecting the response I got. He apologized for not meeting me, and said he was still interested in meeting me. He said that he’d been pre-occupied because his grandmother recently got sick. Normally I would have brushed it off as a lie, but something made me believe it was genuine. We started talking again through Instagram regularly after that. We tried making plans to meet but it kept proving to be very difficult. He worked over nights and I worked in the day. He lived in Fresh Meadows, Queens and I live in Harlem. He lived by himself and I (as much as I’m trying to change this) still live with my parents. There never seemed to be a time that would work, so we continued to converse and flirt through Instagram. He’d like my pictures and I’d do the same and maybe even a few comments here and there. By this time (around November) I accepted the fact that we probably would never meet so I decided to enjoy the flirtation.

Then he replied to a picture I posted at a party asking why I didn’t invite him. So the next party I went to I remembered to invite him. I figured it would be an easy meet and greet with no pressure and if the sparks didn’t fly we could just talk to the other thousands of partygoers. He asked me for the address, I gave it to him, long story short he never showed up. My friends and I , after the party, went to a diner to grabbed some food and then he messaged me, asking if I was still at the party (it was 3am). His excuse was he took a nap and overslept. Once again, we would continue to talk regularly about day-to-day things. Work, family, friends- it was as if we were once close friends that just moved away from each other.

Fast-forward to February; by this time, over one month, I had stopped talking to him but I continued to like his pictures. Then one day out of the blue he messaged me. He: “You don’t even say hi anymore/ Just like my pictures lol… That’s all/ Are we ever going to meet?”

Me: “Likes are better than no likes lol”

He: #Facts lol

Me: I doubt it since you don’t want to come to the city to actually meet me and get to know me as a person. You only want to play with my feet and body. You work nights, I work days, we both live far, you drive (but not in the city)- I don’t drive at all so I really don’t see how we could ever meet.

He: I wanna meet you!/ I didn’t think you were serious though/Telling me I could eat your ass in my car lol!/ At least a bed! But the car??

Yes- I did say he could do that. I’ve had my share or car sex and I actually find it quite a turn on. So, in the very least I was just talking shit because I knew it would never go down and if he did venture to the city I would indulge in the fantasy.

The exchange went back and forth. I mentioned that I had given him my actual number on two separate occasions and he never reached out to me. I told him that behavior was suspicious, like he had something to hide. He then gave me his number and the conversation went back to just sex. I told him he kept putting me in a “sex box” which after so long was extremely annoying. I pressed him about it then he changed his tune. He insisted that he did really want to meet so we tried it again. Immediately timing was the issue. Our schedules just clashed. Then it seemed there was a glimmer of hope on Friday; he was off and I finished at 4. We confirmed that he would take an Uber to Times Square and would grab a drink to talk a bit since I had a race Saturday morning and he had to work Saturday night.

Friday morning, I had an early morning HIIT class I took because I knew I would miss my regular Zumba class for the date. After the class my shoes were killing me so I went to the Dr. Martens store and bought me a new pair of boots. They happened to be on sale and the associate gave me a coupon. On the way out I joked that I would probably be getting stood up tonight so this purchase has just made my day. WM_OKC and I spoke a little in the morning and confirmed our plans. I messaged him around 1:30pm to confirm that we were still meeting- he didn’t answer. I called him around 2pm and he picked up. He had a very sweet sounding voice and he confirmed we were still meeting. Then he hit me back around 2:30pm talking about tired and how he’ll send an Uber for me to go by him-blah-blah-blah! I messaged him around 3:50 for him to get the Uber and he never responded back. I had officially closed the book.

Something told me that once he changed the plans (HELL- that morning even) that we were not going to meet. At the same time I got a message from a guy on Match- he saw that we worked near each other and said we should grab a drink after work on day. I did not know he meant that same day but I said I would let him know. He told me there was a Wine & Cheese Festival happening near by that he was going to and asked me if I wanted to come. I was unsure at first but once my date fell through I said sure.

I walked into the office building on 38^thand 8^thand went upstairs and I was utterly confused. There was an 8.5 x 11 paper sign on the door that read “Wine & Cheese Festival” and there were people standing outside the door waiting, so I decided to go back downstairs and go to Starbucks while I wait. He saw me on my way out and called out to me. He mentioned that he was still setting up. That’s when I realized that he was throwing the event, not attending it. This was sure to be an interesting night. I knew I should’ve gone home but I didn’t. After about 45 minutes in Starbucks I went back upstairs and he was taking names at the door. Once inside, the scene was sad to say the least.  The room had 15-20 people, most of them came in groups from work; the was a folding table with metal pans of random cheese you could buy from a deli; bottles of an unknown brand of red sangria and moscato; a big radio in the corner and a sign taped to the wall that read “Paid 4 Play”. A random man came up to me and asked me how I found out about the event and I mentioned that I had been invited by the host. I asked him the same and he said his girlfriend found out about it. I overheard a guest asking the Match_Man what kind of wines they were and he had absolutely no clue. I had to laugh a little; I’m not a sommelier but I know the difference between a moscato and sangria. About 45 minutes in, the guy paused the music introduced himself, said a little speech about the company he works for “Paid 4 Play” and reminded people to “tip the bartenders”. Seriously- pouring wine into clear plastic cups does not a bartender make. Half the group left immediately and I was ready to leave as well. I thanked him for the invite and said I had a race in the morning (which was true) and I left.

I walked home feeling defeated. One non-date after almost a year of talking and an abysmal meet & greet that only made me feel more jaded by the whole dating scene. On my walk to the train I decided I needed something to turn this day around so I walked to AT&T and upgraded my iPhone 6 to the iPhone 8. The girl that helped me was awesome. We talked for almost 2 hours about a lot, hobbies, family, friends and of course dating. It was a combination of the day’s earlier events and the conversation with her that inspired me to start my blog. After my race Saturday I came home, sat down and started TalesOfToney. I had found a way to make lemonade out of all the sour lemons that were bestowed upon me over the years. And if it weren’t for all the assholes that crossed my path I would have no experienced to write about so in a way I should thank them. That Friday I purchased an awesome pair of boots, upgraded my long outdated phone, and found the courage to speak boldly about the trials and tribulations of online dating