Casper- The Un-friendly Ghost

When I started this blog I felt I had more than enough material from my past that I wouldn’t need to write about any current situations. However, as it seems shit just keeps happening, I figured I’d be as transparent as possible, when necessary. So this is a little story about a guy I was recently seeing D_CMB.

We started talking on CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel). I’d never had much luck but I figured I’d give it another try. I’m not sure if I messaged him or if it was the other way around; but none the less, we started talking. He: 29yoa, part Kenyan, lives in Harlem, in college for his Masters. We spoke for about two weeks then agreed to meet one Wednesday evening. We met at a restaurant not to far from my house. We sat at the bar and talked about work, and how he was looking forward to finishing his externship in a few weeks. We ordered dinner, he got a beer and we watched a little bit of the playoffs game. All in all, the conversation flowed smoothly, he was educated and well spoken which, was a breath of fresh air from all the slang and mispronunciation I was forced to deal with over the years. I spoke about my racing and running and fitness goals and he was not shy about complimenting on my body. Normally I would not take the compliment so well but they seemed genuine and without a hidden agenda. The only hiccup for me was that he seemed a little too straight and narrow. A little Poindexter, at first glance, but I turned out to be very surprised as time passed. He loved rap, basketball, Tupac and smoked weed. At the end of the date he walked me back to my building, we hugged then he went home. He sent me a text; that it was great meeting me and he was looking forward to seeing me again.

We continued to speak for the following days. Our second date was the following Thursday, after my spin class. After I showered, he was still running a little late so I decided to get dinner by my class. We met uptown in Harlem and settled on a French restaurant. I wasn’t hungry so I just ordered dessert and a latte, he had lobster mac & cheese and a few beers, and again he paid. When we left we walked back to his building. He invited me up but I declined since I still wasn’t sure about him. He looked a little disappointed but I just wasn’t ready and I had a class early in the morning. I texted him when I got home and once again he expressed that he enjoyed my company and looked forward to seeing me again.

Our next date was set for the following Thursday. I had a running class downtown in Noho and planned to see him after. Not really wanting to go all over again and since he was already home I went by his place and ordered Thai. Sitting down on the couch he was way more comfortable than he was when we were out on our dates. He was way more affection: cuddling, holding my hand, caressing my arm, and kissing me (his kisses were extremely powerful). It became obvious that we both wanted to have sex so we went into his bedroom.

We started kissing again; he removed his and my clothes, he kissed and licked by breasts and then he went down on me, and as it was phenomenal I happily returned the favor. When we went to have sex I was able to put to bed all my concerns. He was quite well endowed and he knew how to use every inch of it. We had sex 2 times that night and once in the morning. In the morning I caught a cab home, showered and went to work. We spoke throughout the day and for the following days, like before. The next time I went to his place after dinner and drinks with my coworkers; good conversation and great sex again. We repeated this routine a few more times over the course of the next 2 weeks.

My birthday was approaching and I invited him to join my friends and I at a 90s music sing-a-long in Brooklyn on Friday; and also to the strip club on Saturday. He wasn’t able to make it to the event on Friday. His reason was that his family was still celebrating his brother’s college graduation, so I didn’t stress. While at the strip club, partying it up with my friends I was surprised and excited to see that he was on his way. I never introduce my friends to men I’m dating and/or sleeping with so this was a huge deal that he actually showed up. Naturally, we went back to his house and had sex. I noticed a denim jacket that was definitely not his on the floor.

I must make it clear: We never discussed exclusivity or our sexationship becoming anything more. I was fully aware that he had 3 more years of school to finish and the idea of a relationship would probably be the last thing on his mind. I was having a good time and I didn’t want to ruin it. So I commenced to have another lovely sex-session with him. That morning I woke up and went to the spa with my family.

 The following week was a bit of a shit show; I had a lot of random plans, as did he.

I offered to treat him to a bikram yoga class the Sunday after my Saturday race and he said he was excited to go. On Monday he wished me Happy Birthday. He asked me when I would be available that week and said he wanted to take me out for my birthday. I told him Wednesday would work and we agreed to meet up then. On Tuesday we joked about me being a year older. We talked about his free time and him finally having a moment to relax.  On Wednesday, for some reason, the day felt off. I packed my bag to go to my workout class in the event that he had to cancel and reschedule our date and I went to work as usual.

Then the following happened:

Me: “Good Morning” (10:35am)

D_CMB: “Hey you, how’s it going?” (2:35pm)

Me: “Slow. Listening to Motown music and doing sketches” (2:42pm)

Me: “What time are we meting up?” (2:50pm)

Me: “?” (4:55pm)

D_CMB: “Hey Carolyn, so sorry… I’m not going to be able to make it out tonight. I think you’re great, I just have a lot on my plate right now and I’m not really in the right place to be seeing anyone at the moment. I’m really sorry; I know this is out of the blue. It’s been awesome getting to know you and it’s nothing you did, I jus have some shit going on in my life that I have to address right now.  (5:01pm)

 I stared down at my phone in complete disbelief. I became pissed to an entirely new level. Old Carolyn would have taken what he said at face value; but new Carolyn new that was she was looking at was a crock of shit and here is why.

1. When I met him, he was in the last few weeks of his externship. He was more than willing and able to make time to see me then. So, for him to not have time now that school was done made no sense.
2. If he wasn’t looking for any serious commitment; online dating is the perfect vehicle to make that totally clear. (Dating & Hookups = Don’t have much time to invest but I want to get busy in dating app language)
3. Other than the first 2 dates, all the other times we connected were when he was home and had free time. I never put pressure on his time spent with me since we were only having sex. So TIME was never an issue.
4. It was a total slap in my face: It was the week of my Birthday, he chose Wednesday (we spoke Monday & Tuesday and there was no indication that he was having second thoughts) and we had plans for Saturday-Sunday.
5. Lastly, if he felt that I was putting strain on his TIME he would’ve said he wanted to dial it back or was not looking for anything serious. But the complete shut-down meant more was going on.

So I called him out on his bullshit excuse.

Me: “Seriously? I’m not buying that. You knew what you were dealing with when we started talking on CMB. If that was the case then you shouldn’t have talked to me or you would have made it clear from the very beginning. So this sudden change of heart  (especially the week of my birthday) makes me feel there is another reason for your walking away. But it is what it is. I wish you all the best. (5:09pm)

I didn’t go to my class; I was too sad. I went to Mexicue, had a margarita and tacos. I thought about how and/or why would-could he be so abrupt and this felt awfully familiar. And I realized that sudden departure was due to another female. My spidey senses told me that they were probably taking a breakand they decided to try and make it work and the only way he could do that was to completely cut me off.

At first I was extremely sad; I vented to many friends and tons of strangers on Reddit. Annoyed about having to meet someone else, and deal with new bs, and risk having bad sex- UGH! But eventually, after a week and a half, I got over it. At least, he did say bye.

When we would talk about my blog he often said, I hope you don’t write about me. I did warn him as long as he didn’t act like an ass he would be safe. If he had just said, “me and my ex are trying to work things out” he would not have become the topic of this post. However, since he acted like an ass (by giving me a bs excuse) I had to include him. So- if he reads this, he will know it’s him. Hi Casper- The Unfriendly Ghost!

You Can’t Be THAT Stupid! Can You?

Hello everyone! This post is written as a PSA to all women, men, and they; that enter relationships and find themselves in an unfortunate situation. I beg you; maintain your composure, react to unfortunate situations wisely, and avoid acting like an entire ass in public. This story, is not mine specifically; but it is necessary that I mention it, as it aligns with the reality and dilemma that goes along with dating.

My mom, my niece, and I went out shopping (on 125^thStreet in Harlem) Saturday, yesterday afternoon. We eventually grew hungry and decided to go and eat at Red Lobster. So, we walked there and got a table after a few minutes of waiting. When we got to the table we could hear a couple arguing in the back booth close by.

The man is speaking aggressively at the woman sitting across from him. They are in a heated argument because she has come to the conclusion that he has been or is cheating on her. Rather than handle this at home they decide to show their entire Asses in the restaurant and the following mayhem ensues.

*The following details are paraphrased, but by the end of this story you will get the gist of the situation.

The argument; which starts with simply raised voices begins to escalate rapidly.

He: “Give me back my fucking phone!”

She: “No! You entertaining bitches with the phone that I pay for…!”

He: “IDGAF, Give me back my shit!”

They go back and forth arguing the details. She pays the monthly bill, and the phone is on her credit. He stated that he paid for the actual phone.

Bang on the table!

There is a waitress cleaning up a table near by, she is watching all of this happens and does, absolutely, nothing. My mother motions for her to call the manager or security but she does neither.

Bang on the table!

Keep in mind that there are couples and families all around watching this all go down and they are in shock. My mother gets up to use that bathroom just as things start to heat up. I move from my seat near the walk way and sit in the booth beside my niece (just an intuition that if things go sideways, being in the aisle is not a great idea). There’s a couple that is sitting at the seat across from them and they get up and move away. By this time the man is out of the seat and aggressively grabbing the woman. He is also, now, screaming at the woman. She is still refusing to give him the phone and this insane scene continues to escalate. The manager (bless his heart) comes over and tries to dissolve the situation but the man turns his aggression on the manager. I guess the manager figured, he doesn’t get paid enough to deal with that shit and walks away. A male busser (being a bit more urban and street) tries to aid in the situation and again the man starts to threaten him as well. Finally the big security guard arrives, however he is displaying that he gives zero fucks to really aggressively stop the situation. The guy may be all of 5’10” and between 160-170 pounds; the security guy 6’5” and possibly 250 pounds; the busser 5’7” and around 140 pounds. The dude decides that threatening the busser is his logical choice. There is an exchange between the guy and busser that I did not hear. By this time almost all the employees are in the area trying to end the ordeal, one server is calling the cops, and all the patrons have moved away from the drama. The woman is still refusing to give up the phone and the guy is still man handling her. He eventually turns his aggression to all the employees and anyone in the restaurant.

He: “I don’t give a fuck! If anybody got a problem with it they can get dragged!”

I’m assuming he said this looking at the busser that tried to aid in the situation and the busser responds.

Busser: “I am the smallest guy in here, you think you tough?”

Then all hell broke loose. Guy takes off and charges after the busser, all the employees are screaming for busser to get out of the way, the altercation runs into the kitchen and the next thing I know is the employees are escorting the guy downstairs and the police are outside. My mother comes back shortly after that. The table where the couple was at is a mess, food is everywhere and there is broken plates and glass around. Finally our waiter comes, we order our food and enjoy the rest of our evening. But that incident reminded me why I tend not to dine on 125^thStreet.

I choose to mention this situation for many reasons.

• Both of them were dumb as hell! DDO NOT air you dirty laundry in the streets.
  • Nothing pisses me off more than people arguing in the street, or those idiots that you see yelling into their phones at someone. They just look like idiots. Keep your drama your own.
• He was dumb for cheating in the first place and being sloppy about his wrongdoings.
  • Men if you’re ever caught doing dirt, don’t act an ass. If you do- don’t act like an ass in public. Causing a scene, and threatening random people all because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants it stupid.
• She was stupid for paying for his phone in the first place (Be sure to get you a man with his coins up so he can get his own shit!) I could understand her anger but her actions were immature and affected everyone around.
  • If you find out he’s being foul- don’t cause a scene. Just kick him out and cut his service off. Let the next chick deal with his broke ass.
• She was again stupid for bringing the situation up at a damn restaurant.
  • You can’t say that all this time you thought he was being faithful. We, as women know when shit doesn’t seem right. She’s probably laid down beside his cheating ass many nights wondering where he was and decided that this exact moment was the time to bring the issue up… Just DUMB!

In this new world of many sexual identities, and ways of living; there is no need to cheat and/or be with a cheater. Be honest with yourself- you either want to be monogamous or you don’t. If you don’t want to be monogamous you have many choices:

• An open-relationship
• Non-monogamous
• Polyandrous
• Swingers
• Occasional 3-sum

(I will discuss these alternative lifestyles in later posts)

Don’t worry about what it will look like if other people find out about it. If a couple is happy living an alternative lifestyle, why should we care? But to claim you’re going to be monogamous and to cheat and/or keep cheating is ridiculous. And women (and in some cases men) you can’t keep playing ignorant. If your man or woman cheats on you more than once you have to really decide for yourself; will you be able to deal with it if he/she does it again, because I assure you that they will.

I watch all these reality TV shows and you see the men cheat and the women take them back, the men cheat again and the women take them back, yet again. Once can be a slip up. Two times or more- then you’re in a one-sided open relationship because he or she is going to continue to fuck around on you because you keep allowing it.

If you love your partner but they have proven that they can’t be monogamous you should discuss alternative lifestyles. It’s not gross or nasty to be in an honest alternative lifestyle. However, it is nasty and irresponsible to blindly trust a partner that has shown to be untrustworthy. To have sex (without protection), and hope that your partner is being faithful; that could be the worst mistake of your life.

Oh! The Disrespect Is Real

Online dating definitely has its ups and downs. I’ve been cancelled on, stood up, cat-fished, and lied to. So after online dating, for almost 20 years, not much surprised me; until I was surprised.

I was at a point when I started to question my outward appearance. I was experimenting with hair color and styles and making more and more bold fashion choices. I realized that a lot of men would not appreciate and/or get my fashion choices, so I realized I would have to find someone as equally fashion explorative as I was. So one afternoon a message popped up on my phone and the man on my screen looked to fit the bill, M_OKC. He had a very afro-punk vibe: funky-fun glasses, fun fashion and a bleached Afro; so I replied back. We messaged back and forth for the rest of the afternoon. When I got home he called me and we spoke on the phone and the conversation was quite amazing.

He lived in Brooklyn, worked for FedEx, and was a drummer for a church on weekends. As the conversation progressed I found out we had a lot in common: music, food, travel goals, etc. When he mentioned that he had a set of twin daughters I wasn’t too enthused; but I figured I keep an open mind to see what would happen. He had a mouth like a sailor as we spoke but I wanted to keep an open mind. We joked about the future and discussed our past dating experiences. He gave me tons on compliments: I’m beautiful; he’s so lucky to have met me, and why was I single, since I’m perfect. He was laying on the compliments thicken than icing on a cake, so I just ate it all up. We agreed to meet the next day after work. Throughout the day we messaged back and forth. We agreed to meet in Times Square at 6pm.

At around 5pm I messaged him just to make sure our plans were still on. After years of online dating cancellations; confirmations had become a habit of mine. Luckily he confirmed our plans were still on, so I continued to work and wait for 6pm to arrive.

6 o’clock came, then 6:15 and nothing. I thought; maybe, there was a train delay, so I gave him a call to see where he was. He answers and I ask him is ETA. His response was the farthest thing from what I would have expected to hear.

(The below exchange isn’t quite verbatim, but extremely close to the original conversation)

He: “I’m in the Bronx”

Me: “What do you mean you’re in the Bronx?” When I spoke to you last you were in the Brooklyn.”

He: “Well my friend said he’d drive me and we ended up here”

Me: “So how do you plan to get here?”

He: “I’m so sorry! I’m going hop on the train right now.”

Me: “What train are you by?”

At this point he’s lost in the Bronx. He’s by a number of trains, all of which can get him to the Times Square area within 30-45 minutes maximum. I told him to ask a person on the street the way to the nearest train. He finds the 2 & 3 train and I tell him to get on it and get off at Times Square. I made no other plans for the afternoon, so I agreed to wait for him to arrive.

An entire hour passes by and he still is nowhere to be found. At this point I am livid, so I give him another call.

Me: “Where the hell are you?”

He: “I’m still in the Bronx, where am I supposed to meet you again?”

I was still in the office, and infuriated with his lack of respect for my time. I didn’t raise my voice but my annoyance was definitely understood. My coworker, whom was also in the office with me was having a riot listening to me verbally rip this guy a new asshole.

Me: “What the hell do you mean you’re still in the Bronx. You should have been here by now.

He: “I know- I’m coming though.”

Me: Don’t bother. You have wasted my entire afternoon. You and I are not meeting; not today, not ever. Have a nice life.

I ended the call, and refused to answer when he called back repeatedly.

Whenever I was in a bad mood, I’ve realized that, to make myself feel better- I would go shopping, so, that’s exactly what I did. I walked to Grand Central, went to Rainbow and loaded up on fashions that would erase the horrible day away. At this point my phone was going off. He was calling and texting me to no avail. Now, 20 minutes after I hung up on him, it was almost 8pm; and he texts me, I’m here where are you?” I was in the fitting room trying on new clothes and against my better judgments I replied to his message.

Me: “I went home- I waited 2 hours for you. You didn’t care so I left”

He: “Come back, I want to meet you.”

Me: “I don’t want to meet you anymore. Have a nice time.”

He then released an arsenal of verbal abuse… I was called a spoiled bitch. He said I was lucky he gave me the time of day. He said I wasn’t that cute anyway and I was a waste of his time.

Call me crazy but I was not the one that skipped past his destination and back again (if that’s what even happened) and I was not the one that showed up 2 hours later. I was well within my right to cancel this date. And to make it clear this date was not going to happen I had said so before I hung up the phone. So his choice to still come downtown was another dumb move on his part.

I didn’t answer his calls but I replied to his texts. As a father, with a set of twin daughters how could you fix your mind to be that disrespectful to a woman? This ruined date was no fault of mine. So for him to be mad at me was ridiculous.

When I get extremely angry rather than stoop to basic slang, for some reason I become a scholar so I tend to use big words that I know further infuriates the person I am arguing with.

Me: “The level of disrespect you have just exhibited was totally unnecessary. How would you feel if a man spoke to your daughters with the language you just used towards me?”

He: “My daughters wouldn’t act like you, so no one would speak to them like that”

Me: “So you would want your daughters to wait around for 2 hours for a man. I highly doubt that. Anyway- like I said before, this debate is done. Do whatever you want and have a nice life”

I blocked his number, blocked him on OKC, and blocked him on Instagram.

I have dealt with many unfortunate situations in my dating life. That one, however, was the most disrespectful. How the hell did he come to the conclusion that I was the problem? He came to that conclusion because he was a crazy asshole- that’s how. I hope to never run into a man like that again in life but as unfortunate as life can be, I know at some point I will. Luckily the second time around I will notice the signs.

RADIO SILENCE

At a point in my life, when I was no longer interested in a man, I would, overtime, progressively decrease contact. A text and/or call that used to happen a few times a day would start to happen once a day, then once every two or three days, then once a week. In addition to communication dropping we would also see each other less and less. Eventually, he would get the hint and we would stop talking all together.

The last time I resorted to the above method, I was in my early twenties.

As a woman of 31 (32 on June 11^th– YAS!) I can look back and honestly say that how I went about it was totally and utterly childish. Picking up the phone and stating that I was no longer interested would have been the adult thing to do- like ripping off a Band-Aid. But, for some reason, in my twisted mind, it made total sense at the time. I wanted to believe that being let down in that manner would hurt less for the man. I was always worried about not hurting their feelings. It took me a while to realize that a man’s feelings are not like a woman’s. They may be pissed for a day but once the next banging-bodied-chick walks by, they would be over me and on to the next.

So, when I jumped back into this dating thing, I told myself to be as upfront and honest as possible. I told myself to speak my truth and to never feel sorry about being honest. Since, after all, honesty is the best policy.

So, it should only annoy me when a man I am dating (the act of going out on dates- not sexual) does exactly that… Disappears into radio silence.

I met S_Tinder in the summer of 2017. He was a co-owner of a café in Astoria queens and the same age as me. His profile listed a lot of similar likes and from his pictures he looked quite attractive; so I actually took a chance and messaged him and he responded back. We talked through the app for a few weeks and agreed to meet when I got back from vacation, the beginning of September. I met him after my Thursday spin class in Times Square; we hugged then proceeded to walk to the east side. I was quite hungry, after a long day of work and an intense spin class, and I wanted to see if he would offer to get dinner in the area, which he did not. Rather than be a brat I decided to go with the flow of the date. We walked across 42^ndstreet to Tudor City (an area in Manhattan). On the walk we talked about music and movies we both liked and series we both followed and musicals we liked as well. We arrived at Tudor City, after about 30 minutes, but couldn’t stay because of the United Nations conference, so we walked all the way back to Times Square. We decided to sit down and talk at Bryant Park. By that time I was famished, and I got a dessert from Waffles & Dinges. He also got himself something. (Just to mention- He did not offer to pay for my $10 dessert)- Mental Note #1.

We sat there and ate our desserts, talked some more then we walked to the train and we each headed home. It took a while for our second date to be scheduled; shifts at the café and last minute callouts of work that he had to go in for.

Our next date happened right before Halloween. We met downtown on West 4^th, stopped in a store to check out Halloween costumes then walked to a burger spot on Saint Marks. We each had a burger deluxe and I also got had soda. This time the conversation had a little more sustenance. I found out his birthday was near and we lightly discussed past relationships. He told me about an over obsessive girl he once dated and I mentioned a similar experience. The date, overall, went well and then the check came. The check sat on the table for what seemed like an eternity (probably 5-8 minutes). Eventually he picks it up and says: “I guess I’ll get this one, since we had to reschedule so many times” (In my mind, at that exact moment I thought to myself ‘that’s a DICK thing to say). To deliberately point out the fact that for “this one” you’ll get the check- seriously dude- Mental Note #2. We left the burger place and decided to get dessert at The Spot (a local dessert bar in Manhattan). When the check came I offered to pay, making it a pre-birthday gift. Once again, when we were done we walked to our trains and went our separate ways.

On the third date, in November, we met at Union Square. We walked through the shops and when we both got hungry we found an Indian restaurant. At dinner we joked and he told me how the business was going. I made a joke about him being romantic as he prepared our plates when the food came and we enjoyed our meal. When the check came (around $60) he picked up the bill then pulled out cash for his meal- Mental Note #3. Luckily, I brought cash this time and I paid my portion of my meal. Slightly annoyed that I had to, and yet I was totally prepared to do so. The date ended in its same fashion as before.

Our next date was in December, a little before Christmas. Around this time of the year I like to visit the holiday window displays. I get super excited to do all the holiday stuff, sip the holiday drinks and watch cheesy holiday movies. When I mentioned to him what I was planning, he said that he would like to come along. So we arranged one evening to meet by Macys and walk our way up to Bryant Park, then Saks 5^thAvenue and then finish at Bergdorf Goodman. I was as giddy as a 5 year old. He, on the other hand, was quite mellow. We watched the Saks window display which was the highlight of the tour then, once again, headed our separate ways.

Over the next few weeks we would speak every other day. We would discuss work and shows and goals. I wasn’t sure where we were headed and/or what we were doing. Especially since, with the 4 dates we had, we never exchanged more than a hug; we never held hands or kissed. I, on a whim, had invited him to come with my friends and I on a weekend ski trip, planned for March. I invited him as a friend because he told me he also enjoys skiing, and I figured if we continued to get to know each other, at any level, it would be cool to have him tag a long, because we clearly got along well.  Unfortunately, he had to decline because he said he would not be able to take time off work.

This response had me scratching my head. Keep in mind: all this time, he told me he was part owner of this café. Yet his inability to plan and or have any real time off made him seem more like an employee.I mean 4 months notice is more than enough time to plan coverage if you really want to do something, so his excuse didn’t make sense to me.

So, one day, after feeling a change in the current, I decided to not text him- just to see what would happen. One day turned into two, that turned into a week, and that turned into radio silence. We never spoke again.

I was totally annoyed: 4 dates, great conversations, countless similarities and likes, and then nothing. How could someone lose interest to never make contact again? I mean you wait 4 months to just disappear? After his lack of desire to pay for our dates and or be romantic in any real way, I made a case in my mind that, either he preferred to move slowly or was not interested in me romantically- which would have been fine. I just wished he made that clear.

I thought about calling him and asking the question, yet refused to give him the satisfaction of me wondering about him.

This popular trend, also know as GHOSTING, is something I am all too familiar with in the world of online dating. I just hope that from now on my luck changes and people can say what they feel. If you don’t like me- just say so. Trust me- I’ll live.