FROM THE SEX ZONE TO BLIND DATE

I was talking to this guy, P_OKC. His was Scottish, lived in Manhattan, and in his thirties.

He messaged me a casual opening line, specifics I don’t remember- but nothing alarming. The conversation expanded quite rapidly in the span of 24 hours. We breezed through topics like: work, education, dating preferences, faith, politics, music, and food preferences. The conversation was going well considering it was still day one. He asked me about my blog since I state it on my profile and you can see my IG feeds as well. I explained to him my issues, past and current, with online dating and the conversation grew more in depth. Something about him made me feel comfortable, easy to open up. I told him about past relationships and dating experiences and he seemed to actually show a genuine interest, as he kept asking questions. We eventually got on the topic of sex and I felt no need to filter. I wasn’t online to bed every man that approached me. I was only looking for one that could satisfy both my physical desires and intellectual desires and he seemed like he could be the one, especially when he mentioned he was well endowed.

The easiness of the conversation eventually shifted, as they always do once any topic similar to sex comes up. First when he asked me for more photos. This act, asking for more photos, is a huge annoyance for me.

1. I have 4-6 photos of my self, including 2 full body photos. So I don’t see a reason a man could need more. (You’re just being greedy) What I’m not about to do, is send a personal photo shoot to every man that I talk to from online. (Ain’t nobody got time for that.)
2. The requests always seem to come from men that partially hide their face or features. P_OKC had 3 photos; in two of them he was wearing shades and the last one his face wasn’t even looking at the camera.

His reasoning was; how could he know I was real? My response was the same applies for me. He wanted proof, but I was just supposed to take his word for it? So, right then, I should have stopped talking to him but I decided to jump down that rabbit hole- Stupid Alice!

I ended up sending him a quick video of me walking downtown, in that exact moment. His response: you’re going to have to do better than that… Now, of course that means he wanted some tits, ass or vagina shots but I’m smarter than that.

1. I am not about to hand out shots of my body to any man that asks. If I did 95% of NYC would have my body on their phones.
2. Revenge porn is real in these streets. The last thing I need is a photo of my privates blasted on WordStar. I won’t be caught slippin.

I told him that was the best I could offer; take it or leave it.

Again, I should have stopped talking to him then but I just kept on going. I was determined to continue this conversation to at least a meet in greet and see if this guy was worth all the fuss.

He asked me if I was seeing anyone else, and at the moment I was but nothing was serious. He continued to pry further into my sex life; it teetered the line of annoyance and arousal. I was actually able to talk openly about sex and sexuality and it felt good. We discussed the swinger parties he had been to, him wanting to do a threesome with me and another girl. (This was not the first time I was approached by a man for a threesome; but it always confuses me when they try to set it up before even meeting me first. Like 3 strangers walk into a bar and into the hotel room together type stuff) however the conversation was stimulating and intriguing. The only time I like a sugar coating, is on my Frosted Flakes; any other time give it to me straight.

All seemed to be going well, until he hit me with the following.

“You seem nice, I think I have someone for you” What??? There I was thinking that we were vibing then he hastily made up his mind that he would rather pass me off to an old boss of his. I was beyond livid. So many thoughts were running through my mind but mainly why and how. Like, how could you come to that conclusion, before even meeting me and then decide to pass me off to your old boss. If we had met and there was not chemistry in person, then I would have been less offended. In my state of shock I agreed to meet this former boss. At that point I assumed communication with P_OKC was done; I was very wrong.

I deleted our conversations directly after. The next afternoon he messaged me. Once again inquiring about my recent sexual activities while he bragged about his. Call me crazy, but I was annoyed and intrigued at the same time, so I allowed the madness to continue. The conversation evolved to the topic of attraction and realistic dating expectations.

Now, I’m well aware of what I look like. I am also aware that I may not toot everyone’s horn as not everyone will toot mine. Attraction is subjective and beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

However, he all but implied that I was aiming too high and that could be part of the reason why I was still single. Stating that: any man can make a woman a “wet spot”. And I should consider lowering my standards in what I was physically looking for. If I could have reached through the phone to strangle him, I would have. I should have blocked and deleted his number right then, but I stooped to his level, and I engaged back and forth to prove that his comments were not true. As there were many gorgeous women that still get cheated and/or mislead by men, and men vs women – the struggle goes both ways. Once again, we stopped talking.

Eventually I got a message from his old boss; at least he seemed decent. We agreed on a Friday night date at a bar in Brooklyn. I walked into the bar and I knew who he was instantly: he was tall, brown skin, 43 (my cut off is 40), a retired financial smart man (honestly I don’t remember exactly what he did- but he made enough that he was able to retire at a young age and buy tons of properties – so he was well off), of Caribbean decent, and a lot more overweight than I prefer to date.

Now, don’t get it confused, the weight itself was not the issue- it was more about his lifestyle. I, personally, struggle with my weight but I try live a healthy lifestyle: I eat well ½ of the time, work out often and am always training for a marathon. The last thing I want to do is adapt my partner’s bad lifestyle choices and balloon out. The date went well until he asked how I knew P_OKC. When I told him he passed me off for reasons unknown to me, pissed would not describe how he felt. I then asked him the same and he told me P_OKC thought I was too conservative for him so he figured he’d introduce us. Me- Conservative?? (Scratching my head). We finished our date and I went back home. He left an open invitation to go on another date but I had no interest in him, so I haven’t spoken to him since.

On that Monday P_OKC messaged me asking why I told the truth about how I knew him. My response was that I had told the truth since I had no reason to lie about it. But I had to ask him; did he think his boss was the best I could do, as far as looks were concerned and his response was yes, especially since he was insanely rich, especially compared to me. I, once again, argued with him that money wasn’t everything. Personality, similarity, conversation, goals, common interests, and physical attraction all play an important role. After what seemed like beating a dead horse I had to throw in the towel. There would be no good coming out of this. He had already sex-zoned me long ago and any further debate would do nothing but drain my energy. I was DONE. So I blocked his account on OKC, and blocked his number on my phone, just to prevent any future ass-hole talk from attacking my line.

Who Are These Women

So, I decided to interrupt the regularly scheduled program. I was going to conclude last week’s post; however I was so inspired by a topic discussed on a podcast that recently started to listen to that I had to write about it.

Podcast Title: Manwhore/ Host: Billy Procida

On one of his earliest episodes, his guest mentions she does not like getting head (receiving oral sex)-in my mind I was saying WTF! A few episodes later another woman says the same thing. However, this is not the first time I have heard this. I have also heard this statement amongst hsome female friends, but as I am listening to them discuss the fact that they don’t like their partner going down on them I’m walking down the street and I’m thinking to myself… Who Are These Women?

As I stated before in a previous post, I lost my virginity at 14. At the age of 14 I was not as hell bent on receiving oral as I am now. During the first 6 years of my sexual life I did not care about getting oral sex, I also was not giving it either. I was all about the penetration: a little kissing, then some fondling, stick it in, give me some good long strokes and I’d walk away satisfied. It wasn’t until my first, adult boyfriend that I discovered the wonderfulness of oral sex (both giving and receiving). When that ex went down on me he showed me a new world. His oral was like seeing heaven and all of its glory and from that moment on oral sex became a requirement.

Statistics state that almost 75% of women don’t and/or have difficulty having a G-spot orgasm. I, unfortunately, fall into that category. This is probably why I put so much emphasis on receiving oral sex; since that is the only way I am able to have an orgasm. Now during the 6 years that I was having all this sex, I was very content with fantastic, long-lasting penetration; one hour would include multiple rounds, I could rub one out and I’d walk away a happy camper. Yet as I got older and entered more long-term relationships with partners I cared about and loved at some point the act of foreplay giving and receiving oral became a dominant role in intimacy. I became very good, at performing on my partner and my partners knew how to please me in return. So with each relationship I became more confident with my sexuality and expressing what I wanted and they were always happy to oblige.

However, when the relationship would end I’d find myself back in a world of men who had no clue on how to please a woman. A world of men who could barely hold an orgasm long enough for me to rub one out. A world of men that didn’t want to go downtown and when they did had no clue as to what they were supposed to do. I then realized that I had to seriously take matters into my own hand to make sure I was being satisfied.

I decided that I needed to make it clear to any man wishing to enjoy the pleasures of my vagina that he would have to satisfy me first with his tongue. Receiving a dick pic, to verify his inches, no longer became enough. I needed to know: “what that mouth do?” I decided that a man that simply ‘ate pussy’ (as they would say) was not enough. I needed a man that Loved to eat pussy, which was the only way to guarantee my satisfaction. I can happily say that was the wisest decision I ever made in my life.

I once had a partner for almost a year K_OKC, I started talking to him while I was in Mexico for a friends birthday. We exchanged pleasantries and then he asked if he could “eat my pussy”. At this time, I was in my IDGAF days, so I said sure. When I got back to NYC it was on. I met him at his house, we kissed, he removed my pants and panties and he went to town. He was absolutely fantastic; I had an orgasm in less than 5 minutes. After head like that, I was more than happy to return the favor, after that we had sex and then I left. We did the same routine for almost a year. He would text me every day “can I eat your pussy?” and I mean who was I to say no. If he was hungry I was there to feed him. The head was so phenomenal I would see him on my lunch breaks, after work, before my morning runs, I just couldn’t get enough. He satisfied my sexual appetite with flying colors- a clear sexsationship, nothing more-nothing less.

I only stopped it once I started seeing G_OKC (from Gherkins 3A&3B). At that time I didn’t believe in double dipping (having sex with more than one man at a time); so I had to make a decision and since G_OKC had more going for himself career wise, he was the logical choice. In the end, we all know how that ended.

So I, personally, don’t understand women that don’t enjoy receiving oral sex. As a woman, you have to love your vagina. I love mine and I want her to be well taken care of. My GYN once said my vagina was “textbook” which coming from a GYN whose job it is to look at vaginas all day means a lot.

At this stage in my sexual life, I make it a point to let my partner know that oral sex is a requirement and he has to satisfy me before I satisfy him. I have no problem telling my partner how I like it and what to do. Whether it is to go faster, go slower, right, left, or keep it right there – it does not matter. If you, a woman, are not happy with what your partner or man is doing you have to say so. Make sure you get yours because he will always get his. You only have yourself to blame if you are allowing yourself to be disappointed.

If you are having sex your body must be satisfied!

Long gone are the days when women just let men have their way with our bodies!

Enough of letting him gets and you never get yours!

You owe it- as a service to yourself and all the women after you to make sure he eats the pussy right!

Learn to love your vagina and the world will be a better place!

The SEX-ZONE

One late evening I found myself scrolling through one of my many dating apps, left and/or right swiping the men that came across my screen. If you didn’t have a profile filled out: you got left swiped and if I read your profile and I got the, ‘for play only vibe’ I, again, would left-swipe you.

So, I take my time with the process: I select my most flattering pictures, write a well thought out whit filled and intriguing profile and hope that I get a right swipe. In later years I have become bolder. Before I used to wait for all messages to come to me. Now, I figured, I’d take a chance and try to message first. If I right-swipe a guy and the app indicates he has liked my profile as well I will, on occasion, read through his profile, come to a logical conclusion of his intentions (based on what he says), then send him a message. A simple “Happy Monday” (or whatever day it is) is a safe opening line, nothing too long or specific. It’s usually a random toss up, but you have to be in it to win it, and sometimes I get a response. And for the other times when I am contacted first I’ll read their profile and determine if I should reply, skip, or block them. Sometimes it’s good and other times it is not. Some are upfront that they only want sex, some want more that what I care to give, and others have no business even being on a dating app (get your life together before you try and have a girlfriend- with your broke asses).

With over a decade of online dating and more in recent years I have learned to deal with all the above types. However, there is one type that always seems to catch me off guard and will forever leave me scratching my head with an aching heart; and that is being SEX-ZONED.

This is not to be confused with FRIEND-ZONE. Being placed in the friend zone would imply actually knowing and/or meeting a person and hanging out, until one person decides that there is no real chemistry there to pursue a relationship; yet they want you around for company or sex. so they put you in the friend zone.

SEX ZONE: Is when a person (in this case- a man) decides that another person (in this case- me, a woman) is not desirable for anything other than sex. I am good enough to fuck but not good enough to date. This decision mainly happens before they (we) actually meet. (And, sadly, the conversation never rebounds from there; it just dies). They engage in playful light conversation, seem engaged in really wanting to get to know you (me) and then, enter sex talk, and the moment you don’t engage, they are on to the next woman.

For all it was worth; my carefully chosen profile photos and my whit filled profile did not do enough to entice him to want to get to know me further if I wont guarantee sex on the first date (if a date even happens). This is always a sad moment with online dating, and sadly I don’t see a change happening. In the last year, on numerous occasions, that I did not see coming. I have been SEX ZONED way more times than I would like to admit. It starts with engaging conversations, jokes, laughs then I then:

Guy: “I want to fuck”

Me: “I don’t even know you- that’s too fast”

Guy: “Ok Bye!”

Now, let’s take a moment and be realistic. We all want to have sex with someone. I have never engaged in conversation with a man that I met from a dating app that I was not physically and could grow to be sexually attracted to. You can also be the most amazing person in the world but as we are meeting in the shallowest way possible, if I don’t find you attractive, I wont give you the time of day. It’s safe to assume that on some level you also find me physically attractive, or you wouldn’t message me. So the idea that you want to have sex with me will never be a surprise, the surprise and annoyance is when you ONLY want to have sex with me, and if I don’t respond with a “yes- I’ll go to pound town with you” the conversation ends there, like a gunshot through the heart.

I was talking to M_Hinge a while back. I liked his picture and he messaged me back and we started to talk. The conversation was normal (no red flags) so we exchanged numbers and started talking on the phone. We discussed work, travel, hobbies, and food likes and dislikes. The conversation seemed to be going well for about 2 weeks, very PG so nothing set off my alarms. We talked a little about past relationships and being let down, the normal stuff. Then all of a sudden the conversation took a left turn. He sent me a dick pick; there were so many emotions running through my head at that moment. I was thinking to myself: When did I ask for this? Did I ever imply that maybe I wanted this? And just, Why? There was a momentary pause as the bubbles floated on the screen and then he sent his message:

“You seem like a nice person, however, I’m not trying to get into anything serious right now but I would love to please your body.”

On the other end of the phone I was so FUCKING annoyed.

There are a plethora of men that approach me on apps with no filter for what they want. If their profile didn’t proclaim their intentions they are quite upfront within the first few exchanges. They usually have one or two word responses, call me sexy, and constantly mention my body. Those men annoy me but at least they are upfront about what they want. They don’t pussyfoot around it, act like they want a real connection then spring a dick pic on you.

Needless to say, we stopped talking after that day but it never ceases to amaze me, how someone can so easily put another person in a sexual box that it could be damn near impossible to get out of. If we go on a date and we’re enjoying cocktails and the night leads us back to your place; that’s one thing. But to talk to someone via a dating app, engage in actual meaningful conversations then surprise him or her with the fact that you only want to have sex and if they don’t want to, you’re done with them, is just an asshole move.

I read through so many male profiles that claim they want meaningful conversations, are tired of shallow women, want a girl that’s down to earth; yet will also put that woman with real potential into the SEX-ZONE. Seriously WTF?

Just an insider tip to any men that read this post: If you only want to fuck- say that up front, make it part of your profile, as there are plenty women that are DTF. Its easy to get your dick wet these days, but don’t waste a woman’s time (for days and weeks), acting like you care to only hurt her feelings when you decide to expose your true intentions.

(The Sex Zone continues and concludes next week)